With the dread of midterms finally ending, the dread of getting back marks is now upon us. Inevitably, you will be asking yourself “Where did I go wrong? How can I do better on finals? What’s currently trending on Oprah’s network?” The answer to all three is alternative study methods. Like us, we’re sure you’re sick to death of white-male study principles dominated by Western-centrism. There are several alternative methods which do not follow the cold-hard reductionist views of “practicality”, “realism” and “scientific evidence.” This week, we at Topz (With a Z) are taking a look at the best alternative study methods which will get you an “A” faster than you can say “placebo”!
Do not V your brain:
Our first method is really more of a rejection of a very common and very dangerous Western study method. “Vaccination” (and this is the only time we will use this filthy, smegma-encrusted, word) refers to the ludicrous principle in which a student is impaled with the very poison they are trying to avoid. The subject is given “sample problems” for their mind to “practise on” so that when they encounter the real deal on exam day, their mind has been “prepared”. Oh sure, the “professors” (government shills) will say that the sample is benign because they’re neutered by an “answer key”, but if you ask us, it sounds more like an autism key! Take it from us, or C-list celebrity Jenny McCarthy, that it simply isn’t worth the risk. Duh!
Reiki:
Reiki is a non-invasive method of channeling natural knowledge energy through the hands of an internet-trained practitioner. The ki of the reiki master is passed into you, healing you of all your ignorances. Now, unfortunately, most TAs are pawns of the educational-industrial complex (duh!) and want you to waste years and bank on “conventional” learning and are therefore unwilling to practise reiki. But luckily for you, the principle applies in reverse too. You can absorb the ki of textbooks and papers through your skin. So next time you have an exam, just sleep on it.
Homeopathy:
Homeopathy is almost like V-word, but without the autism. Sometimes less is more, but sometimes is most of the time when it comes to homeopathy: the power of memory dilution. Why read 50 pages of your textbook when you can read 1 page, then go through 49 comic strips of Oglaf. You should only do that in extreme cases, as in expecting to bomb a final, as to be very careful, too much dilution can over amplify the effect and may result in failure if your professor gets jealous of your vast knowledge. Try one magnitude less of dilution for midterms (i.e. read 12 pages and 38 comic strips) , and even less for tests. Dr. Werner (Asian optometrist but still a doctor, so it counts even though she’s a woman), makes it very clear in her thorough explanation involving the cosmos being able to fit in a singularity, which obviously results in mass = 1 (duh!). But why not let her explain in her own elegant prose? “So if you take that formula, E=mc^2, you can almost cross out mass. So the formula ends up being ‘energy = the speed of light.'” Where is her Nobel? It gets better when she incorporates string theory and the cytoplasm of cells. Even we at Topz (With a Z) were not able to decrypt this science, so we asked some of our nano friends and they were left speechless, which speaks for itself. Nanos might not have job prospects, but they sure have brains. Studying hard and studying smart are two different things, so make sure you make the right choice, then please tell us which it is.
Chiropractic Studying:
Chiropractic founder Daniel Palmer discovered that all disease, from cancer the cold, are the result of subluxations in the spine, a conclusion he came to by common sense and intuition — duh! Since then, this principle has been extended to deficiencies of the mind. After all, what does the spine connect to? The brain, dumb-dumb. This also explains why sufferers of scoliosis are so stupid. By cracking the spine in key places, people can be taught any subject whatsoever, without the use of “chemicals”. Although there is no clear definition on what exactly a subluxation is, what is clear is that their havoc on the spine causes PHYS 115 failures just as surely as kidney failures.
Ion Bracelet:
Physics midterm got you down? Yes? You failed? HAHA! Next time you’ll know to use the electromagnetic power of the ion. How can ions help you concentrate? Well, this explains why you failed. Different types of ions act differently, duh! (i.e. Lithium ions power electronics, duh!) So ensure the bracelet you order is encrusted with ions from volcanic ash, the best kind of ions. Grasping your ion bracelet for the first time will be the equivalent of holding a volcanic eruption in the palm of your hand, something you can’t truly explain without experiencing. Now imagine doing it a few times in the day, and not just privately in the comfort of your home. A salesman whose cousin helped write the physics textbook for the Peel region school board told us so at a mall kiosk in Conestoga, and would someone with such prideful credentials lie to us? Probably, but not this time.
Quantum Physics:
As Dinesh D’Souza puts it, for centuries, scientists have slowly scaled the mountain of knowledge only to find the yogis and theologians on the peak that had been there all along. That last conquered ledge is what we know as “quantum physics.” For you see, in quantum physics there is a principle known as the “uncertainty principle” which means that everything is uncertain and so really “deterministic sciencism” is a bunch of bunk. Oh sure, there are some Heisendorks who would lead you to believe that this refers only to the uncertainty of measurements, but then why isn’t it called the “uncertainty of measurements principle”? Clearly, they should stick to meth. This principle means that at any given moment literally anything is possible, and we can shape that uncertainty using “the observer effect.” Once again, we can understand this principle by just reading the name, as taught to us by Deepak Chopra. Yes, the observer effect refers to the effect that observation has on physical systems at the quantum level. Make no mistake, this doesn’t have to do with interference from instrumentation; observers sound like people therefore this has to do with The Secret that consciousness affects physical reality and you can will the universe by thought: kind of like magic or psychic powers … but physics (which is an anagram of psychics, without the ‘c’ (because that’s for you to see!) Coincidence? Not likely! Duh!). So let the Newtonians waste their time “reading” and “learning” the deterministic truths in textbooks. You can use the powers of quantum theory to will the world to the answers you quantum tunnel from your mind. Albert Einstein metaphysics superposition waveform entangled states Albert Einstein.
So there you have it: non-invasive and holistic liberation from the patriarchal hegemony of Western study methods. Some people may claim that the very definition of alternative studying is study methods which have not been shown to work. These people are racists, sexists, and homophobes who probably use weird flavours of toothpaste. #checkyourprivilege.
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