Note from the Editor: Topz (With a Z) is a regular column in the Iron Warrior which employs cynical and absurd sarcasm in an effort to be entertaining. This article is an extreme example of how absurd Wade and Edward can get sometimes when trying to make you smile. Nothing stated about the countries listed below is meant to construed as facts nor is its intent to offend anyone.
The world is a big place. Way bigger than Cleveland. That is why this week, Wade and Edward decided to leave Cleveland and explore the world, because as they say, “The world is way bigger than Cleveland.” Taken back from our journeys is a list of the top countries in the world, not based on geography. Based on geography the list is: Denmark, Canada, Russia, Norway, USA, Finland, Sweden, Iceland, UK, Estonia, and Latvia.
Uruguay:
This country is most famous for inventing the stress ball. Before that, people used stress cubes, also invented in Uruguay. The goal was to alleviate stress by squeezing an object as an energy outlet. Some scientists have linked the use of stress-balls to autism. Although these studies have been discredited, the message went viral and caused the global financial crisis of 2008. Ironically, this led to a spike in stress ball sales and an increase in the country’s GDP.
St Kitts and Nevis:
Known as “The Land of Beautiful Flowers”, St Kitts and Nevis has a lot of beautiful flowers and some flowers that are only so-so. When Queen Tunechi was still Lil Tunechi, she visited St Kitts and Nevis and was given beautiful flowers that were so beautiful that she said “this land will hereafter be known as The Land of Beautiful Flowers.” However, she was too late as it was already known as the Land of Beautiful Flowers, hence the beautiful flowers which caused her to want to name it “The Land of Beautiful Flowers”. The original name was given by Lil Jughead.
Belarus:
Belarus is about 4800 nautical miles from St Kitts and Nevis, which is why it is known as “The Land 4800 Nautical Miles from The Land of Beautiful Flowers”.
Turkmenistan:
In Turkmenistan, people wear jackets when it is cold. When it is cold, but not cold enough for jackets, they wear sweaters. Sometimes it’s a little breezy, and people will wear cardigans. They also wear cardigans when they want to look pretentious. In fact, cardigans are actually named after the The Cardigans and their hit single, “Lovefool”.
Gabon:
“Gabon” rhymes with “Ribbon”, if you pronounce it as “Gibon”, as done by the people of Burkina Faso, the cotton candy capital of the world.
Burkina Faso:
The leading exporter of cotton candy, Burkina Faso has a made a name for itself by selling cotton candy to other nations. Their famous cotton candy comes in many colours: red, blue, green, salmon, coral, mustard, black, triangle, white, grey, shale, dark grey, seafoam green, seafoam red, seaform turquoise, seafoam, dark black, and pink. They briefly produced purple, but this resulted in violent civil war from people who wanted violet, known as “the green revolution”.
Lithuania:
This country was founded in 1423 by an engineer who was considering being a lawyer. After signing off on a blueprint that ended up in catastrophe his career was in shambles. Law had always been a back-up option since it is what his mom wanted him to go into. He had red hair and a blue jacket with gold buttons and a yellow umbrella. He was also known to wear two chains. This is why in Lithuania, the people say “halunki matakara”.
Oman:
Potato chips were not invented in Oman.
Laos:
In Laos, it is customary when a man is courting a woman, for him to make sexual advances. If the woman responds in kind, the man will put his wee-wee in her hoo-ha and move his hips in a thrusting motion until he releases his seminal fluids into her uterus or fallopian tube to fertilize her ovum.
Eritrea:
This country is notorious for having the thirty-seventh most curling fans per capita. There is an interesting story as to why this is.
So there you have the list of the top countries. But not based on geography. Based on geography it is Denmark, Canada, Russia, Norway, USA, Finland, Sweden, Iceland, UK, Estonia, and Latvia.
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