You may be surprised to learn that Topz (With a Z) is in fact written by two men. We know what you’re thinking: but Topz (With a Z) is so gender, sexual orientation, and race-neutral that it seems it is written by the Greendale Human Being. The secret is that we check our privilege. However in today’s patriarchal hegemony, too few men know how to relate to women effectively, so bros this article is about putting hoes (women (bitches)) first. To start out, put yourself in a woman’s pumps by listening to what we are telling you to do by following our guide to the top ways to relate to women.
Irony
Women are sick to death of sexist stereotypes and actions like telling them to go make a sandwich, clean the dishes, do the laundry, finger my bum, listen to me cry about my mother issues for an hour (LOL, just kidding about that last one. GAYYYYY), et cetera. Ergo, they will be sure to appreciate your demure wit when you relate to their frustration over these lines by using them ironically. For example, “Make me a sandwich!” is sexist, but “Make me a sammich!” is brilliant satire. This way you get a sandwich and get to be a feminist. Irony is a powerful tool, like when we were being ironic about crying about our mother issues. As though we would do that! We’re too busy playing sport games and drinking beers. Get it? Irony! So don’t believe what you hear: especially from Cat DeClaro, you bitch!
Compliment Them
Men: how much do you like it when you hear a woman compliment your body? A lot, we would presume (unless she’s assuming that you only work out your arms to look good in Hollister shirts (we’re talking about you, Alison Lee, you bitch)). The more intimate the compliment, the better: ever have your bulge complimented? Feels good, man (if you haven’t, draw attention it by constant scratching and stuffing with socks). Anyway, by the same merit, women will love if you constantly talk about their boobies, fish taco, and vagina. Girls love being objectified because it makes them feel like a Barbie doll: a cold, plastic, disproportionately constructed Barbie doll. While complimenting, be sure not to go overboard lest you sound insincere or creepy: don’t mention personal things like new haircuts which bring out the subtle green in her hazel eyes, reminding you of that day at the beach when you first heard her laugh, and making your penis turgid.
If You Wanna be Her Lover, You Gotta Get With Her Friends
Show what a nice guy you are by seeing the merits in her friends and family. Be sure to compliment the way they look so that she knows you are attracted to other women, but actively chose to be in a relationship with her on Facebook. Take this one step further by sleeping with them to show that, like Gandhi, you can resist the temptation to engage in emotionally-committed relationships with other women. This is why women love it when you talk about your ex: it shows that she is on your mind, but you are settling with your girlfriend nonetheless. Unless you are Kristina Lee (sister of Alison Lee) in which case you somehow fail to see that infidelity is actually the truest form of fidelity, you bitch.
Pay Attention to Her Schedule
Women hate it when men are inattentive to their needs and emotions. Hence, the best way to relate to women to be super sensitive to their emotional state by tracking their menstrual cycles (that’s woman-speak for periods). Whenever they seem even more irrational than usual be sure to be sensitive enough to check if it is their time of the month, or day as in the case of Farzi Yusufali, you bitch. Women love it when men talk about their mensies, especially when the men in question are demonstrating how much they understand them. For example, be sure to cite the recent UofT study which suggested that mood swings are not actually a physiological effect of hormonal cycles, but rather just in the heads of women, because bitches be cray-cray.
Treat Them Like the One of the Guys
Women are all about breaking the glass-ceiling, taking over the boardroom, wearing pants: being one of the men. In a professional environment, they don’t want to be treated any differently. As such, it is important to talk to women about all of the things which you talk to with your boys. Tell your manager about the really big poop you took this morning, mention to your coworker about how no-fap is going and the last pornographic video to which you did fap (that means masturbation), bring up with the harassment committee about what your genitalia smell like. This doesn’t just apply to water-cooler banter either. You know how we bros like to bro out over some brewskis and smell each other’s jock-straps (unless you’re Jacob Terry, you bitch, just let us smell yo dick)? By the same merit, you should smell her panties. At least this is the argument we are sticking with in court.
By now, you’ll be able to talk to women like a pro. Pretty soon, all of the ladies will be enamoured by your tact and grace and – who knows? – perhaps even let you vulcanize the whoopee stick (unless they’re a prude like mom, you bitch)!
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