Congratulations: you’ve made it to Waterloo and now you couldn’t escape if you wanted to. Chances are this is your first time at university and you’re filled with questions: should I buy all the recommended books? How can I make friends in Science, Math, and the miscellaneous other faculties? How can I meet those very handsome hunks that write for the newspaper? To these we say, you ask incredibly stupid questions. Don’t worry though, luckily for you we’ve compiled a list of the top ways to succeed in University, making the most of the next (hopefully) five years.
Pay Attention to Big Bang Theory: We’re sure that many of you are fans of the smash hit “The Big Bang Theory” and are thinking that now that you’re in University your life is going to be just like it. Well you’re right! University is dull, repetitive, predictably terrible and exhausting. The first year will make things seem fresh and exciting, but it won’t take long to realize that every class is essentially the same. Also, you should totally show-off your nerd-core pride! In Waterloo you will certainly stand-out for reading xkcd, going on reddit.com, and having math-inspired t-shirts; it will be charmingly quirky and make all who see it go “Bazinga! Get a load of this guy/gal! I bet he/she knows when the Narwhal bacons! He’s/she’s a nerd, but totally owning it! Nerds FTW!” … but not literally, his/her(?) load is probably saved for anime fanfic. Just don’t mention The Game (haw haw, trolled ya!)
Be a Book Worm: When one speaks of worms, they are referring to an obsolete taxon used by Linnaeus for non-arthropod invertebrates. In short, worms are gross. And so are you, so you might as well make the most of it. First year will spend a lot of time reviewing concepts learned in high school to make sure everyone is at the same level (for example, students in Alberta do more calculus and less vectors than Ontarians, and students in India learn advanced quantum spin applications). Well, dogs, we heard you like to excel so we suggest that you review for your review so that you can review from your reviewed review. And speaking of dogs, all that studying will make you hungry as a dog (if you can think of a better segue we’d like to hear it (actually we really wouldn’t, we can’t even spell journalistic intagrety)). Take this as an opportunity to hone your culinary skills and teach yourself to cook. There are lots of great resources online, but if you follow the Paula Deen school we recommend that you make friends in AHS.
Win Friends and Influence People: As two attractive hunks, we don’t really struggle on this point, but decided to do some investigative journalism for you all. We had once heard that having fun isn’t hard when you have library card, so we went to our local library to find some friends. The place was full of nerds! We found a section of actually useful books (with pictures in them) and our research came up with a pretty interesting factoid: everybody poops! So, we did the only rational thing and went to bathroom (where everybody is pooping!) and wrote our names, phone numbers and available times to have glorious fun! Once you meet them, you’ll have to win them over and a valuable secret is that people love people that make them feel important. So puff them up, and make them feel as self-important as an atheist on reddit making fun of his grandma’s latest status update! Worship the ground on which your soon-to-be friend walks. Offer sacrificial animals (if you kill their dog, this works double as grievance over which you can bond), kiss their hand, and cook them meals. And remember, do not skimp on these lavish approbations. For example, whip a feast hearty enough to octupley satisfy his hunger; fill eight yo.
Excel in Schoolwork: [This paragraph has been omitted in accordinace with uWaterloo Policy 71]
Explore Waterloo: Some people think that Waterloo is boring. To them we say, just take a look at the beautiful Lotus Tea House on Regina and Spring, the local cinema which turns into a gourmet grilled-cheese restaurant after midnight on weekends, the local-beef hamburgers at Frat Burger, the nearby petting zoo, or the the scenic Waterloo Park overlooking one of the world’s largest theoretical physics think tanks … and see that you are absolutely right, the city of Waterloo is totally boring. Your best bet is just to hang around campus and complain about how dull Waterloo is instead. Maybe you could even be brave enough to venture to the Arts part of campus. As for night life, there’s plenty to do, even if under-age! You could check out the pubs, there’s great EDM at Beta nightclub, stay at home and watch pornography, go on the bus with a blanket until you’re 18.
So, in conclusion, University isn’t really so scary of a place (until finals). Just follow our helpful guide and you’ll be a regular Arthur Fonzerelli in no time at all. At the end of the day, the University experience is entirely up you and how you feel about things depends on how you chose to perceive them. So, come find us and we’ll hook you up with very potent hallucinogenics. Good luck with first year and enjoy whatever is left of the only week of freedom for the next five years!
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