Meeting people is hard. O my brothers, we live in an age in which even two handsome columnists dressed in the height of fashion with real horrorshow jeggings, crocs, wife-beaters, and aviators indoors cannot find a delicious young lass. So what hope do you losers have? Well, the answer may surprise you: marginal. Yes, there are sexy singles in your area waiting to meet you: follow our advice and they’ll be yours in no time, or not; we aren’t psychic.
Community Events
Meeting sexy people starts with meeting people. Romance is sparked by the pheromones of dopamine and norepinephrine. So, where are you going to find people, dopamine, and norepinephrine? By playing games of chance and high-stakes! Now, if you want to be a Molly Money-waster you can go to Niagara or Las Vegas, but the secret is that there are local singles with shingles playing bingo at the nearby community center! Yes, just show up for a few games dressed like Rudolph Valentino and you’ll be hearing “B-I-N-G-Ohhhh Baby”.
Rideshare
Those of you who have gone on co-ops in strange lands and wanted to trek it home without paying an arm and a leg have likely discovered Rideshare (and possibly a robbery scam). Rideshare is a program in which strangers carpool to a common destination and split the gas money to make the trip more affordable for all. Lately, a group of people have decided to make this program more local by picking up people walking on the sidewalk and and offering them rides to their destinations. This community service gives people more bang for the buck by riding the bus: the “bangbus”. Based on some limited proof-of-concept runs, passengers have hit it off romantically with an astonishing frequency. They shared laughs, secrets, and STIs (super-terrific ideas).
Social Clubs
Finding people isn’t hard; finding people who want to be found is what is hard. Often times, when trying to hit on people at a place like the dentist’s office, your dentist will tell you that he’s not interested so many times you’d almost be tempted to give up. Sometimes, you want to go where you can relax, unwind, and find people interested in meeting you. For those of you who are as of yet (somehow) unaware, there’s a place around Waterloo in which people are just dying to meet you! At Roxanne’s, there are tons of pretty girls who are super nice to you and love to dance. We’ve yet to get one to come home with us, but can only imagine that it’s just a matter of time.
Grocery Stores
People aren’t interested in people who are interested in them. This is a paradox as old as probably something. The question remains, how to overcome it? You’ve got to seduce them without them knowing they’re being seduced by nonchalantly demonstrating your prowess as a potential mate. One handy trick is to go to the grocery store and load up your kart with XXL condoms (so they know you have a big penis (this technique is not recommended for women)), energy drinks (so they know you like to party), milk (so they know you have strong bones), Imodium (so they know you party so hard you get incontinent), and sugar (because you always forget to buy sugar). Yes, push around that kart and you’ll have to be fighting off all of the advances made at you (for which we recommend purchasing a rolling pin, like in the good ol’ days).
Coffee Shops
Now, we know what you’re thinking. “I already know how to land a babe or a hunk! I go to my local coffee shop and work on my MacBook in my vintage jeans to look super sensitive and artistic.” That’s not bad, if you’re satisfied with being pedestrian, but we strive to be motorists, and push the envelope further. Try and freshen it up by taking your iMac with you next time you’re getting a venti marble-mocha Frappuccino. They have a convenient handle which just screams portability: we even recommend the iMac as a portable music-playing device (you can keep a power source in your backpack). This way you can be a step above the posers and really appreciate the work. But if you’re beyond the marginally hip, step up your game to Zach-Morris caliber with an Apple 2. It’s vintage, it’s hip, it’s Apple: how can you not meet people looking so cool?
Meet through Friends
Meeting through friends is a great way to find a date, but we believe that the ultimate technique is to have the people that know you best of all fix you up with a plan for Friday night, and every other night for the rest of your life. These people are, of course, your parents. What could be better than to have the parents of toddlers determine that they should marry? Some pretentious, Western-supremacists have the absurd notion that if two people are to spend their lives together, the decision should be left to the individuals as to whom they find appropriate. But, who are they to question the time-honoured tradition of picking spouses based on mutual conveniences for the extended families, social hierarchy, and antiquated tradition? Everything is relative! And to other people, it’s perfectly true that the right and ethical way to approach lifelong commitment between individuals is to be primarily concerned with the wishes of those individuals’ parents: they made them so they own them.
The University of Waterloo
Open your eyes! There are a multitude of well-adjusted, balanced-lifestyled, normal people with plenty of free time and mental stability all around you!
So, it is our sincere expectation that if you follow our advice, in no time, you’ll be a regular bunch of Romeos and Juliets: caught in a beautiful state of true childish infatuation.
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