The Plummer’s Crack: What Actually Happened in RCH?

Editor’s Note: This article is published in print as part of The Tin Soldier – a satirical and humorous insert published with the final issue of each university term. Articles that are part of The Tin Soldier are not meant to be taken literally or seriously.

For those living under a small rock, on Wednesday, March 14^th, 2012 a massive crack appeared in the middle of the second floor of RCH. Many have been speculating possible causes for this crack, but here at The Tin Solider News Bureau we have spent our days, nights and St. Patrick’s Day researching into all the possible causes. So here is our list of five possible causes to the RCH crack:

1. Alien Invasion: If anyone has read or watched War of the Worlds you know that our alien overlords are hidden underground. Therefore, it makes sense for them to appear in our one underground lecture halls.
2. Mutant Mole People: The aliens also led to some speculation that there were mutant mole creatures unleashed on us by Guelph. But after we contacted and searched Guelph’s campus we only found some drunk guy dressed in a furry costume pretending to be a squirrel. Therefore, we declared shenanigans.
3. Diglett Invasion: With speculation that the University of Waterloo may be opening a Pokemon Dojo to train people to become Pokémon Masters (Mathies), we have concluded that there is a possibility of Pokémon actually existing. The crack in RCH only reaffirms this. According to the Pokémon Black and White Pokédex, Diglett is “A Pokémon that lives underground. Because of its dark habitat, it is repelled by bright sunlight”. RCH is dark and is underground; therefore, we have concluded that there is a 33.3% chance of Digletts causing the damage.
4. The Titans: According to Greek legend, Zeus banished the titans into an underworld prison. However, according to the 2011 film, “The Immortals”, if Mickey Rourke ever manages to find “the Bow” the Titans will be unleashed on the world. Since Mickey Rourke is a royal baus and we speculate that the underworld in fact located under RCH (it is a dungeon…), there is a very large chance that the Titans have been unleashed.
5. An Actual Plumber’s Crack: There are many people in plant operations that could be considers “plumbers”. These people also do regular work on the piping in the many buildings on campus. Therefore, we have concluded that one of the “plumbers” ate a burrito at V1 for lunch and then began work on the pipes. That person then farted… ‘nuff said.

Moles claim to know nothing about crack (credit=Mikiwikipikidikipedia)