Editor’s Note: This article is published in print as part of The Tin Soldier – a satirical and humorous insert published with the final issue of each university term. Articles that are part of The Tin Soldier are not meant to be taken literally or seriously.
This week, I will review beer. But unlike those pretentious Beer Buzzers who take 800 words to review a single beer, I will review every beer in existence, or that has ever existed, or will ever exist for that matter.
The encounter with beer begins with the pungent aroma. Upon picking up a beer and bringing your nose to the rim of the glass, smells of rotting sulfur and mouldy bread will fill your nasal passages. This putrid aroma is so powerful that the belch produced hours after consuming beer will smell exactly the same as it did on the way down. Yes, the aroma of beer is so strong that stomach acid can neither weaken nor change its smell.
Next is the taste of the beer as it enters your mouth. The taste is quite distinctive really, you will find few things that make your tongue want to detach from your mouth and vacate the premises altogether, but beer has the unique ability to do this every time.
Finally, the taste of beer as it washes all of your taste buds in its frothiness as you attempt to swallow it, is similar to five day old coffee mixed with battery acid. Few have a gag reflex strong enough to actually swallow this head topped liquid and most end up spitting.
Next time you reach for beer, enjoy its full bodied potential.
Cheers,
Beerca McHeadswallow
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