With the most wonderful time of the year coming to a close, we’re faced with the harsh sobriety of Old Man Winter. But how, you ask, can we overcome this cantankerous curmudgeon? For one, you can stop using those five-dollar words. Next, you can follow this handy-dandy guide to the top ways to beat the heat this Winter!
Stay Indoors
Let’s be honest: it is not worth getting up for class, putting on all those layers, and weathering the bitter cold just to try and decipher a thick accent telling you that you should already know something. Why not take a day off? You’re ahead in your classes that day anyway, and the tutorials for the course are useless. Take the next day off too; you can get the notes off a friend and find the slides online. In fact, the textbook has such good examples that you could learn enough from that in conjunction with tutorials-for-beer from a friend to make up for a week in warmth. You know what? Take the month off! You can learn everything right before midterms and exams; in fact, you work better under stress! (N.B.: In the event that you end up writing off the entire term you can either try your luck seducing your prof or just updating your Seliske-edition velcro engineering jacket.)
Change your Diet
Let us take a page from the majestic walrus. This year, hit up the fitness club, pick up a ton of weight-gain powder and start curling those doughnuts and inhaling those wieners. Get creative in your fat acquisition: snort sugar with a Twizzler, wrap everything in bacon (those of you who follow halal and kosher can substitute bacon with peameal bacon), eat Ferrero Rocher with melted butter instead of cereal with milk, and even go to Campus Pizza. Walking? That’s for chumps! Pick up a motorized scooter to save your precious, precious carbs. Keep up with this high calorie diet by never missing the most important meals of the day: breakfast, second breakfast, brunch, lunch, afternoon meal, dinner, before bed snack, midnight snack, and any other ones we may have missed.
Breathe Fire
When fantasizing in the cold it’s not rare to desperately fantasize about dragons burning you to a crisp to feel warm – or maybe you’ve just been playing too much Skyrim. Well, why not try the next best thing; breathing in fire the way a dragon would and what easier way is there than with a cigarette. Conveniently found at most convenience stores, you will get the job done with ease and without being wary of nearby popo, fuzz, or spidermen (amazing, ultimate, spectacular, or otherwise) because it is legal, which also means it must be good for you. The government wouldn’t allow corporations to make money off something that would hurt us, that’s just ridiculous.
Drink Warm Beverages
Who doesn’t like to warm up on a cold day with a nice warm pint of salty lager? Problem is you don’t always have a barman to serve you a tall one. Secret is there’s a little barman or barmaid who you’ve known rather intimately for a very long time! Yes, your hoo-hoo or ha-ha can conjure up a nice hot treat that is sure to satisfy and leave you warm and fuzzy on the inside. If you really can’t squeeze out a drop of honey, you can always resort (if absolutely desperate for a hot beverage) to buying some Tim Horton’s coffee.
Take up New Hobbies
Drugs are a staple of civilization, with every culture ever capable of becoming intoxicated, merrily doing so. Whether it’s some whiskey in your morning coffee or a little blue meth in your corncob pipe, drugs are a delicious, nutritious, and illicit way to keep warm in the winter. Do you ever wonder why junkies are always shivering and wearing long sleeves? It’s because they’re super-sensitive to cold (kind of like the opposite of Victor Fries) and have found the secret that drugs are a great way to fight the frost! Editor’s Note: The Iron Warrior does not advocate the purchase, sale or use of illegal drugs.
Visit the “Gym”
Every year the students of UW embark on a march towards the ancient grounds known as “PAC.” They do so in early January to be amongst their kind, where they huddle together for heat. After not-long the female Waterlooers embark on a second journey to the Columbia Ice Fields, while the males hold the fort and move about half-heartedly. As January wanes and the weather gets colder, the students leave these grounds, not to return again until next January. It’s one of the beautiful natural occurrences on campus and taking part in the majestic ritual will warm both your body and soul.
Jokes aside, the best way to warm your heart is by impaling yourself in the chest with a scalding iron. Happy Winter!
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