*** The Tin Soldier is intended to be a humorous and entertaining look at issues and events at the University of Waterloo. As such articles should not be taken to represent real events or opinions, and they should not be associated with the University of Waterloo staff or administration in any way. Any similarities to real world events, people or corporations is purely coincidental – or non-coincidental but meant in an entirely joking manner.***
Almost every term, the success as Canada’s foremost engineering student newspapers allows The Iron Warrior to make strategic acquisitions to ensure the continuation of providing reading material during boring lectures. In the past, The Iron Warrior has acquired a helicopter, a boat, and a building. The last acquisition occurred in Fall 2009 with the acquisition of a new building, but since then, the acquisitions dried up as the markets plummeted into disaster.
The markets have since rebounded spawning the ability to once again make a strategic purchase for the Fall 2011 term. Jon Martin, Editor-in-Chief, had the following to say, “The previous two B-soc editors really dropped the ball on acquiring absolutely anything, but I know this term’s purchase will really light a fire close to campus in the hearts of everyone.”
The purchase? A nightclub. But it’s not just any nightclub says Martin,”Due to unknown circumstances, we got a really, really good deal on a club familiar to many people, you might even call it a fire-sale!”
According to Martin, while browsing Kijiji – a free online classified service, he came across an advertisement for a popular local Uptown-Waterloo business being sold. After crunching the numbers, he decided the investment was solid, especially since Waterloo had mysteriously lost 2 nightclubs close to campus around 19 months ago leaving few places for students to get their grind on.
To Martin’s dismay, the Engineering Society caught wind of the nightclub sale and the acquisition of the property was brought before council during the EngSoc budget meeting. Intense debate ensued during the meeting with proponents for the purchase fighting furiously to convince council to focus on winning the first-year vote. Fortunately, Martin knew the previous outcome of the famous “Cattery” acquisition of the term prior and knew the vote would never survive.
And it did not. Society council voted the acquisition down with a slim margin of 2 votes. Afterwards, the Editor quickly made the phone calls to the nightclub owner’s parents where he is under house arrest for unknown reasons. After intense negotiations, Martin was able to lower the price of the club to an affordable amount for the paper: A can of gasoline, and a couple hours of legal advice.
Since the acquisition, Martin has been hard at work retrofitting the club for the Newspaper’s use. Although previous acquisitions have been used to improve the quality of the newspaper, there is little usefulness in a club for the paper except for financial gain.
The club’s close proximity to the city’s university campuses and extensive use of lasers in the interior makes it perfect for attracting WLU and UW students. Inside, each group of students will be placed into separate areas. Laurier students will be herded onto a cramped lower dance floor while Waterloo students will be placed on the upper balcony where they will observe Laurier students in their natural habitat.
Martin specified no reason for the club’s new layout, but he assured me there was a method to the madness. He expects the club to be open in the new year with the grand opening happening on New Years Eve just in time for the new school year.
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