Dear Fräulein EIC,
It is with a heavy, but noble, heart that I write this letter to let you know that I will be unable to submit my article, “Failed Excuses for Missing Deadlines.” I actually totally did finish it and it was so good that the Nobel committee requested that I not only win all the awards but also that they should rename the award after me because my article was “DYNOMITE.” Anyways, after rejecting the Globe & Mail for the third time (at which point they were so desperate they said I wouldn’t have to include a paragraph explaining how Harper will decimate tardy articles) but I said “No! I have an obligation to the EIC and must maintain my pristine record of punctuality!” I loaded my USB with my article, and made way to the IW office. Except when I was on my way this really big guy came up and said “Hey you! I’m going to take your money and beat you up!” I said, “Do what you will with me, but spare my articles for The Iron Warrior!” And he said “GRRRR! I hate The Iron Warrior!” And I said “You cold-hearted monster!” and then he started cackling and ripping up issues of IW and referring the first-years as “frosh.” He then said “I’m going to go to the IW office and destroy the paper!” and I was like “No, you can’t! I will defeat you even if it means that I won’t be able to submit my article that I totally wrote on time and it will look like I didn’t do it on time but I really did and it’s going to be lost in a heated battle in order to save The Iron Warrior as a whole and surely the fate of the paper is more important than a single article and I should really be heralded as a hero and not irresponsible but rather super-responsible, you fiend!” By the merit of sheer necessity I then acquired the sword of Douglas Wright and smote the wretch! Sadly, however, in the heat of valiant battle my article was lost in order to save The Iron Warrior as a whole and surely the fate of the paper is more important than a single article and I should really be heralded as a hero and not irresponsible but rather super-responsible, my friend! As the beast man lay on the ground, his dying words were, “In my last moments I have seen the light, probably by witnessing a man as punctual and responsible as thou. My dying wish is that you tell the EIC that your article was totally done on time, for real, and you only lost it for the good of the paper and you should really be heralded as a hero and not irresponsible but rather super-responsible.” Two tears rolled down my cheek: one for the reformed man, and the other for having lost the article. Anyways, this absolutely won’t ever happen again…probably.
Love,
Double-O Keving
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