There are three kinds of debates in life: those which are trivial and localized, those which define a generation, and those which define the human condition. Passions can flare for all three, whether debating the merits of Backstreet Boys over N’Sync (though with JT on the latter’s team, it’s a wonder that anyone could disagree with the superiority of the great men with whom we prematurely had to say “bye bye bye”), of marriage equality, or of moral absolutism against relativism, stances are chosen and rivalries formed. The debate at hand today is undeniably the most polarizing of the third class, and hopefully after reading this argument there will be no more uncertainty: the South Pole is superior over the North; end of story.
Northers like to argue by heralding the alleged merits of the home-invading glutton, Kris Kringle. Kringle, known by the those unfortunate enough to live in his frozen tundra as “Jolly Leader”, is a ruthless autocrat who makes citizens toil in his work-camps making toys for “the kiddies”. The pollution from his sweatshops has caused permanent environment damage, resulting in disfiguring mutations including severely stunted growth and bioluminescent tumours. He frequently engages in international espionage for the sole purpose of watching children as they sleep, perversely keeping meticulous record of their daily activities. Around the darkest nights of the year, Kringle actually infiltrates foreign nations, breaks into the homes of children and leaves behinds “presents” to let poor victims know he was playing with their children’s stockings. Of course, a monster like Kringle makes sure to leave wealthier children ponies and bicycles while poorer children get underwear and socks. He might have been brought to international justice except he employs hundreds political decoys to wander street corners and shopping malls.
The South Pole is so tremendous (especially when compared to the North) that even wild animals native to the North Pole attempt to traverse the globe searching for Southern comfort. In a documentary by Coca-Cola, a family of polar bears was followed as they journeyed to the South Pole just to enjoy a Coke with the citizens of the South Pole. The bears, used to Jolly Leader’s despotism, assumed that they would have to pay to receive refugee status from the benevolent penguins, and made the dangerous move to steal from the Fat Man’s stockpile of sweets. Would a koala bear ever travel to Canada for Mountain Dew? Would a Panda even ponder paddling to Peru for prognosis from Dr. Pepper? Of course not! Only a contrast as great as that between the nefarious North Pole and splendiferous South Pole could foster such desperation.
Herr Kringle’s propaganda machine attempts to paint the North Pole as a utopia in which he controls the weather and the happiest of people live, but the truth is clear: the North Pole would make Mephistopheles barter to escape. The South Pole, by contrast is a wonderland which fosters harmony, scientific breakthroughs, and the calm, comforting baritone of Mr. Morgan Freeman.
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