Every time I see a pair of geese, I get reminded of all my past failures in finding a partner or something like that. What am I doing wrong that the geese are doing right? Well today, I will interview a goose in Waterloo and ask them for some relationship advice. Hopefully you guys might find it helpful as well. So, let’s ask this goose here. Mr. Goose tell me how is it like to have a significant other:
G: Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk!
I: So when did you guys meet?
G: Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk (flaps wings furiously) Honk Honk Hissss Honk Honk Honk Hissss Honk Honk Honk Honk!
I: I get that you may not be in the mood today, so I guess I’ll go now.
G: HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK!!!! (more illegible angery honking)
I: Anyways that didn’t work as well as I thought. Anyways I’ll go ask another. So, tell me Mrs. Goose, what do you find about Mr. Goose that you find attractive?
G: SQUAWK HONk (moar angery wing flapping and biting) HONK HOOONKKK!!!!!!!!
I: Okay nevermind then. Owww. Owww… Stop …. Biting… Me…Ohnonotmyface…. (extremely painful screaming sounds) …YOU RIPPED MY F****** PANTS…. MY LEG…!!
Editor’s Note: The interviewer covering this is currently in a stable condition now. However, he may not be able to do this again due to the trauma that was inflicted on him. Be careful, geese have teeth on their tongues.
I: Don’t listen to the editor. A few scratches won’t hurt. I’m still doing the interviews. I’m just a little bit hurt, but I can still do an interview… one is enough…And there’s a goose right next to me. Say what do you think of mating season.
BH: C’MON COLLEGE BOY!
I: Is that you Billy Herrington?
BH: OH, MY SHOULDER!
I: OMG. Is it really you? I thought you died.
BH: I did, but I came back as a goose. And now, I am currently looking for the goose next door. That was not my line, but I think it was relevant. Now WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING? PULLING ON YOUR WEE WEE LIKE A PACK OF F****** FRUITS??
I: I’m not doing anything and who’s the other that you were referring to? Are you just quoting yourself?
BH: Oh, that’s just the other goose right beside you. (to the other goose) Huh? Do you like embarrassing me huh? (proceeds to wrestle/ fight the other goose) U want to get on the bottom, U KNOW THAT’S THE POINT YOU WANT TO BE!
I: Ok. Can you please stop this, I need to ask you a question, how do you get a date?
BH: (Goose Billy Herrington stops fighting) It has not been for the faint-hearted, or who seek the fleshly pleasures. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the wasted genji, the creators of MAD things. For us, they toiled in sweatshops, endured the lash of the spanking. Time and again, these men struggled, and sacrificed, so that we might … LIVE BETTER. (actual transcript from his speech)
I: I don’t know what all that means right now, but I think it will benefit many students reading this. Thank-you for your time.
BH: ASS WE CAN.
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