Note: This is a completely unbiased article written by an unlicensed “professional”
As you may already know, Nintendo, one of the most loved and hated videogame companies of all time, has recently come out with it’s newest platform, the Switch. For those of you who don’t, this new console can be carried around like a portable system, allowing the user to bring console level gaming on the go with them. The announcement of this console raised many questions, such as: “Will this be too expensive?” “Will the games have to come at a reduced gaming quality?” and “PlayStation Vita? I’ve never heard of that before!” But despite all of this, the Nintendo Switch has launched with roaring success, being swept off store shelves and sending Nintendo stocks skyrocketing a whopping 1,000,000 percent (give or take several decimal places). Truly, this is a good to be a plumber in a red cap.
“And what’s wrong with that?” I can hear you asking. “Nintendo makes good games. Isn’t it nice to see that the family friendly studio can still compete with the likes of Sony and Microsoft?” I found myself saying the same thing. But then I noticed something strange about the people who had bought a switch. A good friend of mine used to take several breaks before he could walk even half a mile. Now, he keeps telling me that we need to take the stairs wherever we go. Another friend used to be Vitamin D deficient, but I haven’t seen him take supplements for weeks. Are gamers losing their way? That can’t be right. Gaming is best done in your parent’s basement, but it seems that gamers have started to go outside more. This can only mean one thing. A sinister plot.
You may not know this, but Nintendo was not always the gaming giant it is today. It started out as a playing card company. And the key aspect of playing cards is what? Going out with your friends. But that all changed in the eighties with the release of the NES. Nintendo had become the enthusiasts of eight-hours-in-the-dark-playing-Zelda that we know and love. But secretly, they must have hated it. An outdoor enthusiast can never, at heart, be an indoor enthusiast and vice versa. So that’s why they developed the Switch, to trick gamers into going back outside just like they always wanted. It’s even in the name. Nintendo SWITCH.
In this reporter’s opinion, I will not stand for the misdemeanor and challenge my fellow gamers to do the same. Summer of Play? I shouldn’t even know that it’s summer. Buy a Switch if you want, but tape it to your docking station. Remember the gaming motto: don’t think about whether you want to play games while hanging out with your friends, think about playing games instead of hanging out with your friends. And if daylight isn’t blinding, you’ve been spending to much time outside.
Now, you must keep in mind that this is only my opinion, but you can trust my opinion. Remember, I’m an expert.
Now get out there and stop Nintendo.
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