Tin Soldier

TS – PCP Paperclips

Don’t listen to the Staples shill on the other side. What kind of monster would punch a hole – no, not one hole, but TWO holes – in pristine paper? Not only do staples mutilate the paper, but they are a waste of metal! They are only worth one use before being discarded like garbage, wasting the precious resources of the Earth. What barbarism is this?

There can be no possible excuse for using staples when we have access to one of the world’s greatest inventions: the humble paper clip. Not only can these glorious miniature trombones be used for a far thicker, weightier stack of papers than a mere flimsy staple can handle, but they can be used over and over again. You can even use paper clips as bookmarks! How useful would a staple bookmark be? Terrible! All you would do is ruin the book and get kicked out of the library. Paper clips can handle anything you can throw at them, and they never get tired until metal fatigue hits. Yes, paper clips will even break themselves apart in your service.

However, that is not all: while staples are one-trick ponies, paper clips can be used for all kinds of things. They can be linked together to make jewellery, for one thing. It doesn’t even have to be plain; paper clips come in all kinds of lovely colours. Furthermore, you can add beads to them and all kinds of decorations. You can’t beat paper clip jewellery! On that note, they make good hairpins too. Would stapling your hair to your skull work? Well, yes, but it would be very gruesome.

Actually, you can use them for all kinds of non-paper related work! Due to their handy shape, flexibility, and durability, they can basically attach anything to anything. You can use them instead of safety pins to repair your clothes. They can also be a key ring, a link in a chain, or a hook to hang something up on the wall. If you are lost in the wilderness, stay alive by using a handy paper clip as a fishhook, and magnetize it to make a compass. Ever needed a small tool, for picking a lock perhaps? Or for a more legitimate purpose, like removing the pit from a cherry? You bet, paperclips will pop that cherry right open for you! Have trouble eating corn on the cob? Pierce each side with a paperclip, and you can hold it easily, licking the hot butter off while your hands remain completely clean! If you’ve been yanking too energetically on your zipper and it breaks, you can also use a paper clip to repair it. Perfect for zipping and unzipping…


That isn’t all: paper clips don’t only exist in the realm of the mundane. Have you ever had trouble formatting a resume or doing anything in Microsoft Word? Never fear: paper clips are here to help! Yes, your spirit guide in the realm of software is Clippy, the helpful animated paper clip!

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