Since Halloween is coming up, we thought it would be a good idea to give a quick, short, and educational how-to guide to carving your own pumpkin.
Your first step would be to acquire a pumpkin. Farms have pumpkins. Go locate your nearest farm. Go to the field and find a good pumpkin. Good pumpkins are big, orange and hard. The small red squishy ones that people put on salads are not good for carving. Once you have found a pumpkin that suits your fancy, try to remove it from the ground by pulling it. Now pick yourself off the ground after failing miserably at removing your pumpkin. Take out your engineer’s multitool and attempt to cut it off from its stem. Good job, you can use sharp objects without injuring yourself. Now leave the farm with your pumpkin. It is likely that at this point the farmer has noticed and may try to give you some bullets as a gift for removing this pumpkin weed from his field. Unfortunately, the device he uses to pass you these gifts seems to make them travel towards you a bit too fast for you to catch. Vacate the area immediately to avoid injuring yourself and thank the farmer for the gift.
Now that you’ve escaped the farm and are now in the safe comfort of your parents’ basement, you can now begin the carving process. First, look at your pumpkin, now back at me. Now back at your pumpkin, now back at me. Sadly your pumpkin is not me (especially if you were fancying stabbing me repeatedly with a knife by now).
Now, take your knife and insert it near the top of your pumpkin. Now remove the knife from your hand because you were so pitiful that you accidentally stabbed your own hand, and seek medical attention. When you return, continue cutting out the top of the pumpkin. Now, reach your hand in and remove the seeds. Now remember that you have 6 assignments due tomorrow and proceed to fail miserably at convincing yourself to do them, eventually resolving in procrastinating and watching Netflix for 13 hours straight trying to forget how f-ed you are for midterms.
Anyways, take a pencil and sketch on the surface of the pumpkin whatever design you want to carve. Now evacuate the house because you failed so miserably at drawing that you set your house on fire. After waiting for someone else to call the firefighters to put out the fire (because you are so pitiful that if you tried calling them yourself you would just set your phone on fire), take the remains of the pumpkin and give it to your one friend who can actually draw to sketch your design on the pumpkin.
Now find a drawn line on your pumpkin and try to insert your knife tangent to that curve (you’re an engineering student. You should at least be able to do THAT correctly). Now, by moving the knife in and out from the pumpkin with a sawing motion, follow the lines that your friend drew. Now get intimidated by the large amount of lines your friend drew because they like realism too much and ask your buff roommate to carve the rest for you.
Congratulations!!! You* have just carved a pumpkin!! Now place an ELECTRONIC candle (because the municipality of Kitchener-Waterloo no longer trusts you with any sort of fire-like thing) inside the pumpkin and place it outside your door and you’re done! Just remember to check occasionally to make sure nobody has left any excrement in your pumpkin this year.
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