Pizza in today’s day and age holds an unparalleled level of reliability: pizza is the go-to party meal, “I love pizza” is an uncontroversial statement to make, and pizza parlours are ubiquitous on Canadian streets. This is for good reason. Pizza succeeds because it allows all to enjoy, by providing a rich mix of crust and unobtrusive salty flavour. At worst, if there is a topping that one doesn’t enjoy, the remedy is a simple removal of the offending element. Thus pizza is, by definition, able to be enjoyed by almost everyone.
Pineapples utterly destroy this feature of pizza, that which makes it so reliable. Pineapples cannot be removed from pizza, as even after the corporal entities are removed, the juice lingers in the pizza, altering the flavour irreversibly, and thereby ruining the ability to tailor one’s slice by removing the topping. In addition, the sour taste and watery texture are so far removed from the known crisp and salty nature of pizza itself, that the reprehensible pineapple taste is impossible to ignore, and cannot be reconciled with the rest of the pizza.
The argument for pineapples on pizza also states that the topping in question adds variety to the taste, balancing salty flavour. This is, on the surface, true. The sour yet sweet, watery pineapple does in fact balance out the salty flavour of the pizza. But anyone who has eaten pizza knows that with pizza it is assumed that some manner of drink is provided as well. Soda is a common choice, and it shares those same pizza-balancing elements with pineapple: it is watery, sour and sweet. So we find in the vast majority of pizza consumption cases, pineapple is entirely unnecessary.
Pizza proponents might state at this point that soda and pineapple are therefore equal, and one can’t be argued for over the other. This is ridiculous. If someone suggested pouring soda onto pizza as a topping, everyone would unite against such a ludicrous idea. This is for obvious reasons, while the rich flavour of pizza is complemented by the different taste of soda, mixing them together ruins them both. Much like an artist can find colours that complement each other beautifully, yet when combined form a hideous hue, so too does the tongue find pineapple and pizza. Therefore we as a community must maintain the purity of our pizza. Pineapples may have a place at the table – inside a fruit salad perhaps, but not so close to the pizza as to ruin the experience. So Remember! Keep your pineapples away from your pizza in order to maintain the artistic integrity of the meal.
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