Valentine’s day was two weeks ago. How did it go? No matter what the outcome of your romantic overtures was, the ancients have a solution for you. It is best if you live on a farm, because you will need easy access to various animals. Specifically, various bits of animals.
Aphrodisiacs
Suppose your gifts of chocolate and flowers did not impress your significant other. How do you win their heart? According to Pliny the Elder, an ancient Roman naturalist, you should wear – as a necklace – the right section of a vulture’s lung in the skin of a crane (the bird, not the machine). Of course, there are alternatives: you can also wear the right testicle of a rooster, wrapped in a ram’s skin. The Greeks had a much more practical solution: burn a deer’s tail, mix the ashes with wine, and smear the resulting paste on your genitals. Because alcohol and grit are always pleasant and painless substances that are lovely when applied to sensitive areas.
Of course, girls have one more alternative. According to the ancient Finns, secretly mixing your menstrual blood with a man’s food will make him fall in love with you.
Protip: Don’t do that. It’s disgusting, unethical, and a Level II bio-hazard.
Antaphrodisiacs
You aren’t really fond of your secret admirer. How do you get rid of them?
The Greeks have a solution for you- get them a drink! Of course, it will have to be a special drink. Get them to drink a man’s urine, into which a lizard has been dropped. Another recipe involves mashing up some snails and mixing them with pigeons’ droppings. Add the resulting goop to olive oil and wine, and again, get them to drink it.
Honestly, one can’t argue with these. They will work perfectly. In fact, even suggesting them to someone will probably result in their leaving posthaste.
Increase your beauty!
If roses and paper hearts didn’t work, don’t give up! You can still catch your crush’s eye through ancient beauty secrets. For example: the mysterious and lovely geishas of Japan captured men’s hearts for hundreds of years. Their secret? Bird poop, smeared on the face. The guanine in the poop will make your skin lovely! Note: some people still do this today.
Of course, bird poop isn’t the only option. If you want to go classic, you can use crocodile poop for a nice mud treatment! It may not make you more beautiful, but it is definitely more badass.
What if your chosen loves red hair? Use henna mixed with cow blood for that fiery look. Mix some of the leftover cow’s blood with sheep fat to make some nail polish.
What if you are squeamish, but have a terrifying disregard for personal safety? Of course, then you paint your face with lead oxide to make yourself pale, mercuric sulfide to make your cheeks red, and bromine mannite to paint your lips. You will die a happy death.
Betrayal
Everything seemed wonderful, until you caught your significant other with someone else. How will you punish them? We’ve all heard of stonings and other horrible things, but there are ways to get more creative.First of all, you have to be sure. How did the Romans find out? There is a pretty little bird called a hoopoe. If you catch one, cut its’ heart out, and place it on the genitals of your sleeping lover. She will then tell you the truth. Of course, you can also cut out the tongue of a hen and put it on her mouth, which will make her reveal the name of the other guy.
The ancient Greek punishment for cheating involved a radish, but not the little red ones. The adulterer would have a long, pointed radish hammered up the butt, in public. What if they are into that? Well then, in ancient Byzantium and India, amputation of the nose is an alternative punishment. Actually, only women would have their nose amputated, which seems unfair. However, an adulterous man could have a vagina symbol branded onto his forehead with a hot iron, so it evens out.
Romance
Everything went perfectly! You are now married and thinking about starting a family. How do you ensure you get pregnant? Simple! First, you catch a weasel. Then, remove its’ right testicle and burn it. Mix the ashes with myrrh, and dab the mixture on a bit of wool. Insert the wool into your vagina, and you are guaranteed to get pregnant.
What if you want to wait a bit before having kids? Then, you are in luck, as you can use the same weasel.Wrap the left testicle in mule skin and wear it as a necklace. This is a surefire contraceptive. If you want to choose the gender of your child, Aristotle knew what was up. According to him, girls are produced by the left testicle, while boys are produced by the right one. To conceive the child of your choice, tie off the inappropriate testicle during sex, to prevent the wrong kind of sperm from fertilizing the egg. If the pregnancy is difficult, then why not follow Tudor England’s medical knowledge and eat the boiled heart of a stork? (It will be delighted to bring you your baby afterwards.) If your stomach hurts, put herbs, vinegar, rosewater, and a dead bird in a bag. Place the bag on your stomach.
Of course, when you have your kids, you should take good care of them. Stay tuned for the next issue, wherein I will explain how to raise your kids the old-fashioned way.
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