If you’re reading this, chances are you’re an engineer – and if you’re an engineer, chances are you have zero social skills and have never been to a party. Don’t worry. We’re Peter and Zed, and we’re here to help.
The following is an article full of poetry, insight, and the kind of advice that will get you into more than just your mom’s yearly Christmas party.
Step 1: Picking a Party
Experience has taught us that to have a great night out, you’ve got to pick the party that minimizes any exposure to naked old men. On that note…
Step 2: Bring Backup
Like tumours, parties come in all shapes and sizes — some are bad (costume, pizza) and others are worse (lemon, Nazi). A sure way to have a great time at any party is to invite friends. If you’re like us and remembered to block your mom, your Facebook event invitations can get you up to nine people. But if you’re a real social animal and want to bring more people than that, you can always try making friends on Craig’s List. Quantity over quality, we guess.
Step 3: ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A Start
If we’re as good at making sweeping generalizations as we think we are, then you, dear reader, are a socially awkward engineering student whose only experience with parties involves a LAN connection. Fear not! Many of the skills you learned playing League of StarCraft are transferable and apply to social gatherings when used correctly. Is the line for the bathroom too long? Zerg rush through there. Want to impress your friends at beer pong? 360 no scope that shit. If all else fails, just do what we do when we lose a game of Mario Kart at a friend’s house – throw a tantrum and ask your mom to bring you home.
Step 4: Go to Laurier
If you’re wandering around town at midnight and you still haven’t found a party, you can always try Brad’s house – he goes to Laurier and I hear his parents are out of town this weekend. If you’re worried about getting in, don’t: there’s no way Brad’s gonna stop your army of 300 Craig’s List pals from having a good time. Also he goes to Laurier, so fuck Brad.
Step 5: Dress to Impress
They say you can’t judge a book by its cover, but they also say not to go outside wearing your sweaty, Cheeto-stained Barney the Dinosaur Halloween costume. Point is, if you’re going to a party, you’re gonna have to dress up. When it comes to cool threads, we recommend the fashionable Canada goose – everyone keeps talking about them and there are tons on campus. (We’re not quite sure how you’re supposed to wear a goose as a jacket, but fashion over function, we guess). If you can’t wrangle a goose into submission in time for the party, just make sure you leave your house wearing more than just a pair of boxers – and please, try to clean the Cheetos crumbs off your face.
Bonus Tip: Don’t Make it a Sausage Fest
Get pizza instead. No one likes sausages. They’re gross.
In summary, use Facebook to get shitfaced and don’t host the party at your own home: your mom’s gonna be pissed when she finds out she wasn’t invited.
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