Modern horror movies don’t have much of a shelf life. They’re like fairy tales, in that way. Each new offering recycles the tropes and shocks of its predecessors, and is quickly forgotten. The only way to achieve longevity is through sequels (e.g. Saw 1-7, Scream 1-4, Final Destination 1-5…).
But not all movies keep bleeding their cash cow. Usually, it’s for the better: I would have been thrilled if Final Destination had never had a sequel, and I’m sure glad there won’t be a Cabin in the Woods 2.
These five movies? I doubt you’ll remember them. They don’t have a sequel, and they’re certainly not classics, all being less than 10 years old. They range in quality from very good to tragically lacklustre. But time waits for no monster.
Here are five horror movies that time forgot, in order of increasing quality.
The Resident (2011)
Juliet (Hilary Swank) moves into a new apartment after a nasty break-up but, unbeknownst to her, the landlord (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) is a guy who gets his rocks off by secretly watching her bathe.
The DVD cover promised “relentless horror… evil that you can’t see” but it’s ironic that a movie about a stalker shows the audience exactly how he operates. That takes out the suspense. So in lieu of any real mystery, we get countless voyeuristic episodes in which Juliet takes a bath, sleeps in skimpy pajamas, and drinks wine. She drinks so much wine she think she’s a lush.
As a horror movie, this movie is toothless: a viewer gets over the initial (and only) shock of having a stalker in their apartment pretty quickly. As pornography, it’s impotent: the bearded voyeur keeps breathing heavily and sobbing, which really kills the mood. The only genre in which it’s decent is as a real estate ad, starring The Apartment With Trendy Secret Passageways.
I’m sure that the stars only did it because they really needed the cash – Hilary Swank won an Oscar for Million Dollar Baby, why else would she do this movie? Avoid Resident unless you’re getting paid.
Dark Water (2005)
A mother (Jennifer Connelly) and her daughter move into a dank, dark apartment. Soon after, the daughter finds an imaginary friend and dark, bubbling water starts seeping from the ceiling.
If “creepy children” and “malevolent plumbing” float your boat you’ve won the rubber ducky lottery. Otherwise you’re not gonna feel it. The film is technically proficient: the special effects crew did a great job on making ceiling leaks look frightening and evil. Jennifer Connelly won an Oscar in 2002 and brings her A-game, as does the supporting cast (Pete Posthlewaithe as a superintendant, John O’Reilly as a real estate agent, and Tim Roth as a lawyer).
Dark Water has the atmosphere down pat but sadly the premise is not much scarier than the horrors of finding student housing or sleep-deprived parenthood. Building tension by increasing the hydraulic head to accelerate the liquid flux of evil through the walls? Pulling my heartstrings by appealing to my maternal instinct? Not gonna work.
If the writer wrote this by pulling two horror tropes out of a hat, they drew a dud. Why not “vengeful naiads” and “Gothic Victorian England”? Or “zombie plague” and “Caligula’s torture room”? Or even “axe murderer” and “succubi”? Ugh. So many missed opportunities
The Skeleton Key (2005)
Caroline (Kate Hudson) is a private nurse who is hired to care for an elderly couple in the Louisiana bayous. Little does she know, their mansion contains a host of sinister Hoodoo secrets.
Hoodoo is a rural American tradition of folk magic originating from the slaves of the Mississippi delta. Hoodoo spells originate from Biblical text, but are performed to increase personal power and fortune. Power is invoked by tools, personal belongings, and symbolic objects. Voodoo, on the other hand, is a structured monotheistic Haitian religion in which rituals are performed to curry the favour of spirits subservient to the reigning god.
This isn’t particularly important. What’s important is that The Skeleton Key makes full use of the simultaneously fecund and decaying swamp in which it is set. The hoodoo elements are darkly visceral and kind of meta, since in order for hoodoo to work, you have to believe in it, which you may for a bit while watching this movie. At one point, Kate Hudson’s face shows up with the eyes and mouth stitched closed and I haven’t been able to forget it since.
Untraceable (2008)
Special Agent Jennifer Marsh (Diane Lane) investigates a website which streams the torture and murder of its victims. The more views that are received, the more quickly the victim dies. OooooOOooooh.
This is an interesting take on torture porn, exploitation, and the Streisland effect. Do you watch viral videos? Do you rubberneck at collision scenes on the highway? Such is human nature as addressed by Untraceable. At some point, against the recommendation of Agent Marsh, the news of the murder is released to the press, who urge viewers not to visit the site. Needless to say, subsequent victims die really quickly. So is this movie hypocrisy or irony?
Cute premise aside, Untraceable is a by-the-books film. People die in increasingly painful and creative ways. The hero is eventually captured by the villain but manages to gain the upper hand. There’s no shame in a formula when it’s executed with as much intensity as in Untraceable. But after I watched it, I felt gross, because I learned that I’m not into torture porn. Don’t watch this movie.
1408 (2007)
A horror author (John Cusack) stays in room 1408 of the Dolphin hotel in hope of getting more material for his novels. As the hotel manager (Samuel L Jackson) says, it’s a fuckin’ evil room.
Pitting a man against a card-carrying Chaotic Evil supernatural force with the sole goal of causing the man to go insane is refreshing in premise and execution. I like it in the same way I liked Taken: fast, forceful, and fresh. But instead of a child prostitution ring, the antagonist is a room in a building, which has no limbs with which to wield traditional implements of murder. That alone requires some creativity. Thus the air conditioning conspires to kill John Cusack. The sprinklers cut off his contact to the outside world. The doorknob breaks.
Sound ridiculous? John Cusack can’t believe what’s happening either. And that sense of groundedness – along with his will to survive – is what makes this movie work.
Finally, the room seems to have a self-imposed one-hour time limit in which to drive its victims insane. This is excellent for the viewers because it tightens up the plot and ends the movie before things get stale.
Leave a Reply