Recently the headlines have been filled with violent events and terrible tragedies: trouble in the Middle East, tensions in Eastern Europe and North Korea still being North Korea. With all the terrible things going on in the world, what is there to do in this time of peril? How many more rhetorical questions will be asked? First of all, we are in a time of relative peace; people are dying at lower rates than they did in the past and all that the media creates awareness of the atrocities in the world. With all the talk of World War 3, World War Z, the War on Terror, and the War on Drugs, I propose that we start the War on War-ism. That is, a plan to end all war as we know it. War-ism is a terrible thing, it is defined, by me, as a way of thinking; to support any conflict and to instigate any altercations between two opposing sides. With the War on War-ism, like the War on Terrorism, we need to send troops to places and have them fight everyone who wants war or participates in it. Rather than setting an example of being peaceful, we should instead force other people to be peaceful or else they will face the consequences, mostly death, suffering and torture.
Firstly, as a way to end all wars ever, young people should be enlisted at random to fight for the cause. Like a draft, except not a draft, because that is what war entails and the War on War-ism is against all things war related. So after young and healthy people are drafted to fight in a war they didn’t start, we give them guns, training and a uniform and tell them that they are supporting a worthy cause. Generally people are more willing to give themselves up for something greater than themselves like religion or nationalism. A combination of both is doubly as effective, like the cult of personality seen in so many communist countries. So if Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus told all the young people to twerk against war and to sign up to protect the #YOLO nation against the threat of anti-secularism, people would sign up in droves to fight for their right to parttttyyyyy. Many have tried peaceful demonstrations to get their message across to those who matter; like the March on Washington, Occupy Wall Street and every time I want McDonalds to bring back the strawberry shortcake McFlurry. These peaceful demonstrations can be fairly ineffective and can lead people no where. This is why we need to use un-peaceful (because violent is such an ugly word) methods of protest to bring peace to the world. Like Gandhi said “Nuke’em All” (Source: Civilization V).
The penultimate way to end war would be finance more wars, if there are no people left on Earth to fight wars then how can people still fight in them? The idea of financially supporting wars and to support wars are completely different and completely the same. Wars cost a lot of money, Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back had a budget of $33 million and in 2013, the United States spent 608 Billion USD on defense alone. With wars and defense costing so much money, why not cash in on this cash cow and start investing money in weapons manufacturing and research and development. This is how to infiltrate business of war. Invest money on war things like Iron Man suits and Wayne Enterprises, start the war on war-ism, let governments from all around the world start to spend more money to defend themselves against the growing threat that is anti-war-ism, step 5: profit. When the War on War-ism ends, it will have successfully ended all wars either by annihilating the entire human race or some sort of hyperintelligent pandimensional alien being invades Earth by force. Either way, you will be rich, rich I tells ya. At this point your children will be in Harvard and your connections will all be politicians. What do you do now that there is nothing but peace and harmony? ATTACK SOMETHING, KILL THE AVATAR AND BLAME IT ON SOMEONE ELSE! Best thing to do would be to find a scapegoat that already had a history of violence and make sure no one speaks the language they do because no one wants to sympathize with the villain. Then you curb the threat you created with your anti-war-ism war things and continue to profit off the suffering of others. Repeat these steps every few years, you will continue to make the dolla dolla bills and people will be none the wiser. How does this help the anti-war-ism effort? At least you can control whether or not there will be wars now, you could bring peace to the world and have everything be happy smiley fun times but that would boring and your newly acquired coke problem is expensive.
When things suck, companies tend to rebrand themselves. The most recent Tom Cruise movie, The Edge of Tomorrow, flopped in the box office but now they are changing the branding and title for the DVD release. So why not rebrand war things to support the anti-war movement? Rebranding works so well, it can also work for things that involve the word war. Things like Advanced Wars for Game Boy Advanced, Star Wars, Robot Wars, War of 1812, will need to be rebranded as well. Robot Wars can change its name to “Kick Ass Robots Destroy Each Other for our Amusement” and the War of 1812 can be called “Fuck Yeah Canada”. By removing the idea of war and battles from the vernacular, we are able to control how people think. Double plus good comrade. But why stop with pop culture things? Why not change the words associated with war itself? Call guns peace sticks, change the word soldier to peace keeper and change nuclear warheads to a permanent hug. When you threaten to use violence to end all wars, you can call it peace keeping and call torture enhanced interrogation techniques. Now if there are countries against the war on war-ism, you simply permanently hug them to death with nuclear missiles.
Yay violence!
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