If you are ever given the responsibility to write an article for a university engineering newspaper and don’t want to procrastinate but really want to avoid writing anything then this article will provide you with helpful tips for this one very particular situation. This will teach you how to be part of the staff, have something to put on your resume and not have to write anything you have been assigned.
The first step is to be illiterate. If you are illiterate, how are you reading this? How did you get into university? You have to be able to pass the ELPE and get at least a 70% in a grade 12 equivalent of high school English. Could your English teacher read? In this day and age, why do we even need writing and reading? Just Vine it or text and emoji to convey the emotion and thought you have. But seriously, if you are illiterate, you should learn how to read and write. Being literate is critical to the professional development of an engineer and that is what being in uWaterloo engineering is all about. If you can’t read then how would you experience the banality of my writing?
When asked to write an article and you don’t want to procrastinate, you can just leave the country for a week every time. Show up on Tuesdays or whenever the meetings are, get the free pizza and beverages then when you get an email asking to write something from the Editor-in-Chief, book a week long trip to Hong Kong or Dublin or Venezuela. If you don’t respond to the Editor-in-Chief’s emails, do you exist? Yes, to yourself but not to the Editor-in-Chief. Jackpot. All you have to do is pull a “Secret life of Walter Mitty” and go on spontaneous adventures around the world claiming you are looking for pictures for the University Engineering Newspaper and watch The Secret Life of Walter Mitty on the flight to Greenland.
Another way is to change your name to Chang O’Malley. My name is very common especially on the University of Waterloo campus, O’Malley is a very common family name. If everyone is Chang O’Malley, are we human or are we dancers? If everyone is called Chang O’Malley, everyone’s uWaterloo Nexus email accounts would be cOMalley@uwaterloo.ca, how can the editor in chief contact us now if we all have the same name? WHAT NOW, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF? WHAT NOW? HOW CAN YOU TRACK OUR MOVEMENTS IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHO IS WHO? CHECKMATE!
In closure, my personal method of avoiding was because of a terrible accident from my top secret co-op work term at the [CENSOR THIS CAN YOU MAKE THIS BAR ALL BLACK]. It was a great work place, I got paid VERY well to be a test subject for the [CENSOR THIS AS WELL] experiment to change my scrawny, Captain America pre-super soldier body to a rock-hard bod like The Thing. The experiment did not work and I am still trying to get more gainz but thanks to the medical testing done to my body, I can now become the Incredible Hulk. The gamma radiation and lasers that they directed at my body, changed my cell structure so under certain stimuli, I will have an Incredible Hulk-like reaction. The trigger? Newsprint. Every time I come into contact with newsprint or see a newspaper, I will become inhumanly strong and grow so muscular that all my clothes rip off except for my pants.
On the official reports, I don’t exist and my experiment was supposedly terminated after the first two people became ghostly wraiths haunting and killing people in the test facilities. When I go to the Iron Warrior meetings, I can’t walk into the room without reacting, becoming the not-so-Incredible Hulk and speaking in the third person. An actual quote from one of the last meetings I went to (not really because do I even exist?), “CHANG O’MALLEY SEE NEWSPRINT, CHANG O’MALLEY BECOME THE INCREDIBLE HULK, THE INCREDIBLE HULK AVOID WRITING FOR THE UNIVERSITY ENGINEERING NEWSPAPER, HULK THANK YOU FOR THE PIZZA AND JUICE.” That is when I stomped out and tore out some walls cause E2 really needs to do some renovating anyways. Now if you can’t maintain your control of the monster inside when staring as newsprint, when are you ever going have time to write a newspaper article?
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