This week US President Obama hosted a meeting with the exiled Tibetan spiritual leader, the Dalai Lama, much to the chagrin of China. Although China claimed that the Dalai Lama is a separatist and warned of damage to US-China relations resulting from the meeting, the POTUS has expressed the desire for China to resume talks with the spiritual leaders of Tibet. The real challenge now is the question of how. Luckily for Barry Obama, the political analysts at Topz (With a Z) are on the case! We have been running some very advanced polisci simulations in our heads and believe that we have found the optimal strategies for how to navigate this very complex situation. So this one’s for you, Barry; you other losers can just turn the page because you idiots have no reason to learn the top solutions for improving China-Tibet relations.
Non-consensual Sequestration
You know, a lot of the time when people don’t get along it’s because they just aren’t talking. That’s why our first suggestion is to force them together so that they can hash out their differences. Barry first has to invite over the Dalai Lama and Xi Jinping each to the White House, under false pretenses. He can invite Xi over to pop some popcorn and toss Saving Private Ryan into the VCR, and the DL over to toss around the pigskin. After getting both into the Oval Office, it’s just a matter of locking the doors from the outside and playing the waiting game. Oh sure, at first the two will be furious and unwilling to share a word between each other, but after some time the Lama might crack a joke about this is a “Classic Barack” manoeuvre. Xi, softened, might then reply with an idea about how the two should get back at him with a prank of their own, like an increase in tariffs. Before they know it, the ties and robes will be loosening (as well as the presidential liquor cabinet) and the Dalai Lama might say, “hey man, I respect you. I’m not asking to leave you entirely, just to have a little more freedom. You’re micromanaging, guy.” To which Xi might realize, “you know DL, you’re not so bad.” At this point, Obama can open the door and let the two men out so that all three bros can go out for some frosty chocolate milkshakes, but not before the Dalai Lama and Xi Jinping give Obama a monster noogie!
Create a Common Responsibility
For this next caper, Barack will have to call in a favour from his pal Ban Ki-moon. The first step is to invite Tibet to the next meeting of the UN General Assembly, represented by spiritual leaders. Admittedly, this will get China’s goat, but not nearly as much as when Ban Ki-moon announces a new assignment for the diplomats of the world: having to take care of an egg as though it’s a child, in partners! Now of course the official stance will be that partners are randomly assigned, but in actuality the pairings will be rigged for the wackiest, and hopefully most enlightening outcomes. As you’ve probably deduced, we propose that China and Tibet be partners on this assignment. At first, tensions will ensue as they project their frustrations onto the other’s parenting skills. Tibet might accuse China of repressing the political and religious freedoms of their egg baby, and China might accuse Tibet of not recognizing the financial and economic development facilitated by China. However, after seeing how much the other party cares about the egg, and after a few hilariously close calls, China and Tibet will return the egg in one piece, get an A on the assignment, and resolve their differences. However, once they realize that their mutual friend Barry was behind the whole ruse, somebody’s in for a seriously purple nurple!
Shackles of Understanding
The basic idea behind this one is that conflict arises when there is a lack of empathy. Barack has to find a way to trick the Chinese and Tibetan leaders into a Chinese finger trap (unless that’s racist, in which case a super-adhesive or kinky handcuffs would suffice). For the first while, neither person would be able to get anything done as they would constantly face opposition from the other party. Only when they learn to work together will anything get done. Interestingly enough, as they learn to cooperate and are bound together in friendship, that which has been physically binding them together will release them. But as soon as the two leaders are free, you can bet that Obama is getting a gnarly swirly!
Fight to the Death
Choose one fighter from the Chinese politburo and one from the Tibetan spiritual leadership. No rules, no mercy. Winner takes it all: power, glory, and exclusive rights to give that prankster Obama a wedgie he won’t soon forget!
BO, we recognize that there are a lot of options here for you to decide between but we can guarantee that anyone of these will nicely and neatly resolve your international diplomacy problems in 22 minutes, with everything back to normal in time for another zany adventure next week. Until then, Topz (With a Z) out.
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