Bad, news friends. Against all odds, Wade and Edward are set to graduate in five months, which makes this article our last column in B-Soc. Seeing as how we plan to pursue journalism in grad school, we thought it would be a good idea to do some exit-poling and talk to an everyman about Topz, the Iron Warrior, and the Engineering Society. As such, we tracked down our fan and sat down with him for an anonymous interview to get some clear, unbiased perspectives. Below is a transcript of our chat.
Hello Stuart, nice to meet you.
Uh… Hi guys… I guess it’s been a couple hours since I saw you in class. Just to confirm, this is completely anonymous right? And am I getting paid that twenty bucks before or after the interview?
(laughs) You have to understand how seriously we take anonymity here at Topz (With a Z), Mr. Linley. Protecting the identities of interviewers and informants is of the utmost importance to unbiased reporting. Anyway, what do you make of recent allegations regarding EngSoc President Yasser “Sassy Yassy” Al-Khader smoking crack cocaine while consorting with Nano engineering drug lord, JT and his associated gang, The Power of Three?
What? I’ve never heard that. Ridiculous. Where’s your proof? Besides, Yasser’s policies and positions are what matter. I voted for him last time, and I’ll vote for him again.
Interesting. So why are you trying to turn the Iron Warrior into an embarrassing rag of yellow journalism?
…I’m sorry? Uh… I guess the paper does yellow pretty quickly. I didn’t mean to offend you.
Well you did. So, Stu, why do you read the Iron Warrior?
Well besides the relaxing colour that’s easy on the eyes, I guess I get it for the inconsistent crossword submissions. That guy sure sometimes writes some okay crosswords. I also like the fun Easter egg hunt for errors in each issue!
No, we won’t be publishing that at all. I guess what we’re really getting at is: why is Topz (With a Z) the only column worth reading in this, for lack of a better word, trainwreck?
What? I think that the IW publishes some great articles relevant to student interest! I mean, it’s not the greatest journalism, but it’s excellent for a student paper. As for Topz, I can’t exactly say that I’m a fan. Mainly because I’m not. I guess I just don’t condone their immature and inappropriate behaviour. It really brings down the overall quality of the paper.
Oh, I see you mentioned the Iron Warrior’s most popular and influential column, Topz (With a Z). So Mr. Stuart Linley, How do you believe that the reporting conducted by the ace journalists of Topz (With a Z) has contributed to improving student life at Waterloo?
I guess it’s pretty popular… Sometimes it has okay advice, but last year my immediate family didn’t appreciate receiving cash for Christmas as much as I was led to believe. Overall, in general, I think satire is pretty important for political transparency, I mean look at shows like the Colbert Report or organizations like The Oni—
Hold that thought, Stu-balls, we’ll get back to your violent outburst against the conduct of the University of Waterloo’s Engineering Society in just a minute. BREAKING NEWS: President Sassy Yassy has just admitted to smoking crack-cocaine and purchasing illegal drugs while serving as B-Soc President. Furthermore, regarding lewd, cannibalistic comments made towards VP Internal Cat, Yassy was quoted as saying “I am in a happy bromance with Kal and have plenty to eat at home.”
Wow, well that certainly sounds like an embarrassment for the University of Waterloo… but I don’t want to focus on his personal life. He has always stuck by his policies, which as a member of Sassy Nation, I elected him for. Furthermore, what about the Feds President? Didn’t he admit to smoking marijuana? That’s basically the same thing, right? Drugs are drugs. And Sassy Yassy has always advocated zero tolerance on drugs.
Speaking of EngSoc, as a senior student do you support the exclusionary practices of the Engineering Society?
Now just hold on a minute, the Engineering Society is a very welcoming and open environment! I’ve been to tons of EngSoc sponsored events and always feel right at home. All of the elections support well informed voting and everyone has equal opportunity to run, right?
Do you think that your position as a part of the “in-crowd” has afforded your negligence to the plight of the common student?
I… uh… I don’t think I’m intentionally alienating the typical student by having friends in EngSoc… am I? I didn’t realize that this was such a prevalent issue.
You see, Stuart Andrew Linley, one of the privileges inherent to those with ascribed status is that of ignorance toward the negative impact of your hegemonic ideology. According to Marx, the inevitable outcome of such conflicting power relations is a social revolution. At what concrete date do you think civil unrest will reach the point of drafting the blueprint for the first barricade?
Revolution?! But I have some good friends in Civil! I… I’m so confused.
Let us simplify it for you. In George Orwell’s 1984, he paints a dystopian picture of a future ruled by Ingsoc, with a tight-knit “inner party” that systematically subjugates and oppresses the proletariat, or “proles”. Do you think that if there is hope to overthrow Engsoc, it lies in the proles?
Well, yeah, that does make it easier to understand. I guess it only makes sense that a successful coup and reformation would only be possible with the support of the masses. Now that you mention it, Yasser does seem a little like “Big Brother”. There were pictures of him all over the walls of Engineering and last week he was pressuring me to fill out some “survey”… And we all know survey is the root word of “surveillance”.
Speaking of President Sassy, what do you, Stuart Andrew Linley (SID: 60380085), make of the just now emerging footage of the embattled prez toppling over his VP External after mocking VP FIN’s recent academic probation during council?
I’ve been an opponent of Al-Khder’s since the beginning! I just cannot believe that we put our trust in that man. If he doesn’t step down soon, FEDS should do what they can to kick him out!
Excellent answer. Last question, how do you feel about Topz (With a Z)?
I love Topz (With a Z). I’ve always loved Topz (With a Z).
Thanks Stuart. You can leave the twenty you owe us with our secretary.
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