By Ching O’Malley 2T Aerospace Engineering
In light of the recent popular meth show “Breaking Bad” series finale, our lives are now suffering from withdrawal of drug-trafficking and organic chemistry-based illegal activities. To help fill that void in your life, why not learn how to talk to meth lords so you can become a real life Heisenberg or at least a Jesse Pinkman?
One of the main problems us engineers would have with talking to meth lords would be to contact the local meth lord in the first place and strike up a casual conversation. The best way to get in contact with the community meth lord is to look them up on Kijiji or, y’know, smoke a shit ton of meth. When your meth stamp card has been stamped 10 times and you have traded everything you own for more meth, the meth lord may be willing to talk to one of their best customers. Remember the bugs under your skin will stop crawling if you smoke more meth.
Another way to get in contact with the local meth lord is to become a meth lord yourself. You engineers who have taken organic chemistry will know enough to start your own meth lab. Do so and start selling meth of the highest quality with cool colors, like green, yellow or even blue. If you are color blind and have difficulty differentiating colors, just call it blue and hope it isn’t red. After befriending a high school burn out with a heart of gold to help you with distribution, you will need people to help you make more meth to keep up with demand and someone to help you keep track of all the money. Once you are rolling in the cash money and you have killed all other competition in the area, you will most likely have a meth empire which needs more employees to help you cook. Why not hire University of Waterloo co-op students from chemical or nanotechnology engineering? Cooking meth involves a lot of laboratory work, test tubes, chemicals, and lab coats, allowing your coops to gain valuable employable skills. Pay them enough money or get them hooked on meth and you don’t need to worry about them ratting you out to the cops and you will get government subsidies for hiring students.
Remember meth lords, hire Waterloo!
Meth lords are generally very organized people and are heavily involved in crime. It is a very organized crime. They have mobsters and gangsters that help them distribute and buy the best product to sell to their most fucked up, most people-stabbing-est customers. Meth lords love getting presents from their customers, things like homemade stacks of money, someone else’s jewellery and cars that were stolen. Do not worry if your gift is insufficient, you will find out eventually: Meth lords are notoriously vocal and they are not known to leave passive aggressive messages everywhere about how much they hated your gift. Instead they will send their biggest guys to threaten to break your knees. They are a lot like the CECA, except you have a lot more choice with the mob. The CECA will make you an offer you actually can not refuse or else you lose access to JobMine. At least the mob just breaks your knees and you are still able to go to interviews. Do not get the CECA mad because they are crazier than Tuco. If you truly do not know who the CECA is, then maybe the best course of action would be to tread lightly. Meth lords are not the danger: the CECA IS the danger.
DISCLAIMER: I LOVE YOU CECA, PLEASE DO NOT HURT ME, OH GOD, DO NOT HURT MY FAMILY.
In meth-lusion, do not smoke meth, do not cook meth, avoid meth. Meth just causes so much drama and I do not need that in my life. Save it for the Emmy’s. #BryanCranston2014
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