Topz ( With a Z): Top Myths about UWaterloo

Welcome to Fall 2013, the beginning of the end of all that matters to Waterloo Engineering (i.e. the graduating class of 2014). Not to sound dramatic, but we think it’s fair to assume that nothing interesting or innovative will happen after April 2014. Yup, it’s pretty much all downhill from here, just like Mythbusters, which we assume has gone downhill since we stopped watching it because solipsism. Therefore, it is now trendy and nostalgic of us to be busting myths while busting nuts: myths about UWaterloo (‘cause we’re nuts about you, Waterloo). We’re sure you frosh out there have heard all the bric-à-brac about how Waterloo has no girls, or that everyone uses weird toothpaste, or about all those handsome hunks writing for the engineering newspaper (there are actually only two hunks: these guys. Myth … BUSTED). Luckily for you, we’re here to sift through the pabulum and reveal the truth regarding the top myths about UWaterloo.

There are no girls
We’re sure that most of you have heard of the nefarious slander made by Elon Musk in the major news outlet (and the only periodical we hold to be on par with the Iron Warrior), the Queen’s University alumni magazine. For those of you fortunate enough to have not yet heard his anti-Waterloo tirade, it is our difficult duty to inform you that Elon (that bastard who wishes to take money out the pockets of rosy-cheeked oil executives) made a “passing joke” about how when he was the enlightened age of seventeen he chose not to attend Waterloo over a lack of girls present during his tour of campus. Well rest assured, we sure showed him! Engineering’s undergraduate office put on their official YouTube page a passive-aggressive video in which they were able to find six girls on campus (well, five plus a picture of one), thus disproving teenage Elon’s remark that there were literally zero girls on campus when he visited, lit-er-al-ly. And to add insult to injury, the video is so awesome that it hit the top page of Reddit’s r/cringe subreddit, presumably because of how cringe-worthy it proved Elon to be. If only he had the balls (or ovaries) to be honest and say something along the lines of how as a teen his priorities were a little gauche and during campus visitations there were statistically more women at Queen’s, we wouldn’t have had to make such a big deal of it. But Elon chose to be a vicious instigator … in passing … after admitting that it might be taken poorly by some. Fudge you, Elon, consider your myth … BUSTED!

Waterloo Doesn’t Have a Night-Life
A common complaint about UWaterloo is the lack of things to do after hours. Unlike at schools such as Queen’s or Brock or Laurier, the city here is just dead. Ever hear of Beta? Sure, the EDM is excellent, but the alcohol is too expensive and it’s not like a bouncer would let in someone that had consumed alcohol prior to going out. Phil’s Grandson’s Place may have cheap drinks and genre nights, but what if you only feel like hip-hop on Tuesdays? What then, Phil’s? If you’re into salsa you might want to check out Flying Dog, except that one time Wade was turned down by a pretty (a fact disputed by Edward) girl (another fact disputed by Edward) there. Kickoff’s might count except everyone knows that’s in-between-class life. A lot of people say good things about Rev, but when we went it was just a bunch of stinking dormitories, full of girls who also turned us down! And then there’s the rest: Bomber Wednesday, Fox and the Fiddle, Wilf’s, Turret, Starlight, Davis Centre Library, Jane Bond, Chainsaw, et cetera. They all freaking suck … because no one ever invites us there! Myth … PLAUSIBLE.

Waterloo Wants to Plaster its Logo with Cheesy Lasers
Seriously, this happened four years ago, and admin unilaterally conceded to the student body. This battle was pretty much won before the oldest students currently on campus were even frosh, and they are the only ones left who were at all associated with effing “waterpew”. Myth … NOT EVEN RELEVANT ANYMORE.

There’s No Parking in Waterloo
A lot of people with cars (i.e. those rich enough to go to Queen’s but chose to attend the big sausage-fest … held every October in Kitchener) complain that there’s nowhere affordable to park around UWaterloo. We went out to bust this myth, but were unable to find anywhere to park the Topzmobile. So, okay, maybe they have a point, but we commend the University for reducing carbon emissions without resorting to that bastard technology, the electric car, thus promoting Tesla and Elon, the motherlover. Myth … CONFIRMED!

Waterloo is “too Asian”
Some of you may recall a 2010 article by Macleans magazine (those bastards who wish to take money out the pockets of rosy-cheeked oil executives) in which they suggested that UWaterloo is “too Asian”. Although we’re sure most people are aware of Macleans’ flagrant anti-UWaterloo bias (or so we assume, we’ve never actually read Macleans, frick them), this is still a sentiment held by too many people. We were going to write a paragraph in which we tackle this myth in a mature and honest manner, but instead decided to team up with the undergrad office (because they really have nothing better to do) to create a passive-aggressive YouTube video in which we tally off all the successful non-Asians we could find on campus and make snide remarks through creepily tented fingers. Myth … BUSTED!

So now that you know the truth, be sure that in the future you snoop out any rumours you might hear about UWaterloo. While some myths, like evolution, can be innocuous enough, others can carry the Musky odour of wanton destruction. In fact, there are even myths about this very paper! Some suggest that the Iron Warrior has pitifully low standards, and that’s just freaking ridiculous.