Having determined that being a member of the Senate does not make him immune from laziness, ineptitude, and corruption; many speculated that embattled Senator Mike Duffy may decide to resign from the Senate in hopes of finding an even cushier and less transparent quasi-retirement position. The delay in his decision led many to speculate that Duffy had finally realized that an even cushier position may be impossible to find. However upon realizing that he may actually have to live in Prince Edward Island year round instead of two sunny, hot weeks in August at his Cavendish cottage, the soon-to-be-former Senator has announced he will soon be giving up his seat. Although he has not revealed his future ambitions, most speculate he will pursue a role in municipal politics in Montreal as soon as the next City Councillor is arrested.
It is now up to Prime Minister Stephen Harper to appoint a Senator to replace Mr. Duffy. Fortunately for the Prime Minister, the candidate will not need to own property in Prince Edward Island, since they can simply move into Mr. Duffy’s vacant cottage for at least fifty weeks of the year. Fortunately for Mr. Harper there is no shortage of entitled and washed up household names to choose from, all of whom have their strengths and weaknesses in terms of senatorial qualifications.
Many believe that Mr. Harper may try to push a youth movement in the Senate. This has led some to speculate that singing sensation Justin Bieber (whom I will refer to as the Biebs) may soon replace Mr. Duffy. There is no doubt that his youth and fame will add some much needed trendiness to the Senate, where the average age is 65. His considerable wealth means that he will not need the help of top Conservative staff members to pay off his inevitable expense claim discretions. On top of this, the Biebs will need little training on the workings of the Senate, since he is already rarely seen near Ottawa, his opinions hold little legitimacy and he already has his own public relations team experienced in playing down his growing list of stupid statements and actions. On top of all of this, he is already the butt of many jokes amongst Canadians. In many ways, the Biebs is just as senatorial as Mike Duffy. If the Biebs turns down the decision, many speculate that Harper may instead authorize the extradition of the Bieb’s pet monkey, OG Mally, from Germany to Canada to fill Duffy’s seat, who would be by far the second most famous Senatorial candidate. Unfortunately, many fear OG Mally may be overqualified for the position.
Other insiders speculate that the Biebs is an unlikely choice because if he were to take Duffy’s place; Duffy’s custom-made fat-fingered keyboard, oversized office chair and handmade chin supporting neckties may all go to waste. In order to take advantage of Duffy’s oversized clothing and office equipment, many speculate that the next candidate may be a more well-rounded candidate. And of course, it would be difficult to find a more well-rounded politician then Toronto’s fat and sweaty ball of fun Mayor, Rob Ford (who I will refer to as Fordsy). Unfortunately, Fordsy is in office until next year’s mayoral election, and unless some sort of explosive scandal takes place, it looks as if Fordsy has a strong chance of re-election (for those who are wondering, smoking crack with drug dealers is not nearly explosive enough). Fortunately for Prime Minister Harper, Fordsy’s brother and mouthpiece Doug (who I will also refer to as Fordsy) is just fat enough to fill the (oversized) chair of former Senator Duffy instead. Unfortunately, neither Fordsy has a monkey to fill the position if both brothers turn it down.
Beyond Fordsy and the Biebs, there are a few candidates who could take over Duffy’s seat. Retired astronaut Chris Hadfield is a well respected, intelligent public figure. If he was less well respected and intelligent he may have been considered. The same can be said for pretty much every candidate other then Ben Johnson, Chavril (the singular person created by the unholy marriage of Chad Krueger and Avril Lavigne), Conrad Black and any type of poutine that does not contain cheese curds. Oh, and maybe Ben Mulroney. Still, none of them have the class of the (pictured) Biebs or the well roundedness of Fordsy. Regardless of who Mr. Harper chooses, it will take great accomplishments of greed, fatness, and entitlement to fill the senatorial shoes (no doubt purchased on taxpayer’s dollars from a store not located in Prince Edward Island) of Mr. Mike Duffy.
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