Dearest loyal reader(s),
It has come time to write our final article of this term, and that can only mean one thing: drink whatever we have in the fridge. Fortunately, we have a wide array of random alcoholic beverages that we will be enjoying in rapid succession. So hold on to your proverbial hats, because this one’s going to be a whirlwind adventure, not some piddly boy scout camp.
Our first drink: Red Baron. It’s the beer that you can get in POETS on Fridays. Brewed by the good folks at the Brick Brewery in Waterloo, it’s absolutely average for a beer, and since beer is good, that makes it good. But not really. Derek thinks that it has a light taste of burnt hair, but oh well. Average = 2.5 / 5 Surly Bartenders.
Next up, we have Seagram’s Classic Lemonade. It’s also made by Brick, but it’s named in honour of the historic Seagram Company. In 1857, a distillery was founded in Waterloo, Ontario. Joseph E. Seagram became a partner in 1869 and sole owner in 1883, and the company became known as Joseph E. Seagram & Sons. This stuff tastes like lemonade but apparently has alcohol in it. We looked hard for the alcohol, but couldn’t find it. That is, until it snuck up on us and got us drunk with its 5% alcohol. Damn sneaky alcohol. Perfect booze for people who don’t like booze. 3.234 / 5 Surly Bartenders, but your friends can call you a sissy for drinking it.
Moving on, let’s try Seagram’s Original Wildberry. This continues the trend of alcohol that doesn’t taste like alcohol. According to the can, it is precisely “100% Refreshing.” It tastes like berry soda. It’s sweet, doesn’t taste like liquor, and goes down smoother than a porn star’s lower back, but we like the lemonade better. 3.123 / 5 Surly Bartenders.
Alright, now for a special treat: the Brick Wildberry Turbo! This is a drink we just invented, so it’s going to be great. It’s important that you get the ratios just right: 1 part Seagram’s Original Wildberry to 1 part Red Baron. This stuff tastes like fruity beer, without lowering the alcohol content. It’s very tasty, and we’ve decided to call it “Poor Man’s Fruli.” Graeme says he would drink a whole tankard of it and still want more. 3.9 / 5 Surly Bartenders.
At this point we just drank the Turbo until we ran out of the Original Wildberry.
So far, we’ve been drinking exclusively Brick beers, coolers, and a combination of beers and coolers. Now, it’s wine time (again)! In case you missed it, we did a whole article on wine (Drink Wine, [redacted] [redacted]). Well, we’re bringing the [redacting] wine back out for our last article. Since then, Derek and Graeme took Wine 101 with Bill from Kickoff ‘s (ie. the Surly Bartender). This would have made them experts on wine, but unfortunately they got too drunk and can’t remember the details.
We’re reviewing the Red, Whites, and Brews Amarone. We ran out of wine glasses, so we’re using mugs. We ran out of mugs, so Eric is drinking wine out of a BOAT Racing glass. Classy. Derek pours the wine through an aerator. This device adds air to the wine to make it taste better. It also sounds like this: “kshshshshshshshshsh”. We tried pairing the wine with some foods, but it didn’t go well with chips and salsa, or a fritter from the C&D. At that point, we ran out food. The Amarone is a solid, cheap, brew-your-own wine and gets 4.173 / 5 Surly Bartenders. [Redacted].
At this point, Graeme exclaimed “I’m responsible! I’m not leaving wine open!” That meant we had to drink the whole bottle.
Well, it’s come time to call it a night, and a term. In the unlikely event that you actually read this article, congratulations; you have nothing good to do with your time. In our next series, we will make a fake cannon, and find a way to drink from it (that’s kind of our thing).
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