On November 22nd, a sandy hurricane struck POETS. While normally being a place to watch movies, drink a beer, procreate, or have creepy pictures taken of you while you sleep, POETS was transformed into a scene from Baywatch or Gilligan’s Island. The floor transformed into a beach littered with beach toys, sandy bitches, signs dictating “No Pants Zones” or to “Beware of [Nina Evelyn Amber Crystal’s] Crabs” and a magical treasure chest filled with creepy and sexual wonders. Even the bar went Hawaiian Style with leis, a waterfall, and a drink called the “Shekurté”, that, while not Sex on the Beach, was equally sexy and beachy.
The reaction to POETS’ sudden transformation was immediate and varied. Scott, a student who wished to be unnamed, was thrilled by the beach. “This is the MOST fabulous thing EVER! I can’t wait to show off my figure tomorrow havi… I mean drinking Sex on the Beach!” he stated. Another student, who did wish to be named, was not pleased. Said person stated, “I hate the beach. I’m going to the Kickoffice.” He clearly was not impressed.
However, not all was fun and games in POETS. The magical treasure chest, prior to POETS opening, was filled with evil sand snakes. These snakes, whose bites are known to either cause intense sexual arousal or sexual disgust, are considered extremely offensive and were swiftly dealt with by Snake Wrangler Graham, an person who wished to remain unnamed. Even with masterful snake wrangling, one of the sand snakes continued to harass the denizens and Baywatch babes of POETS throughout the rest of the day.
Editor’s and POETS Manager’s Note: If you see the sand snake DO NOT pick it up with your hands, you may get rabies. Remember to always use protection!
With the sand, sun, and babes came many other things to do. Sandcastles sprang up everywhere, featuring designs from the magical poop to the magic kingdom. As the day went on, engineers were surprised at how artistic and sexual their designs became. It is almost as if the not-quite-Sex on the Beach was taking effect.
On this day, it was also re-enforced that engineers love playing with big balls and their rings. Games of beach volleyball spontaneously erupted throughout the day while others enjoyed playing ring toss with the big teets in POETS. All of this continued until a person who wished to be named caused a rupture in the boardwalk. This person was publicly shamed and was then attacked by the sand snake. He was never heard from again.
The cause of the spontaneous sexually sandy hurricane still remains unknown, but a group named NEAL has claimed responsibility. Who these people are is anyone’s guess, but with the introduction of sand snakes, it appears they are a terrorist organization. Further dissecting their name, NEAL appears to be an acronym for Never Ever Act Legal, further reinforcing the terrorist idea.
There are rumors POETS has returned to normal as of November 25th. While the reason POETS was struck by a sexually sandy seems to remain a secret, it will leave an ever-lasting impression on everyone involved.
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