So when you’re a handsome malchick like us, you have a lot of options on the table. So many in fact that you can’t decide how to adequately allocate your appetite. Well, you’ve got to play The Game so The Game don’t play you, nyukka. When you’re talking to your homeboys or girls the next morning do you want to say, “they were okay” or do you want to say, “the ass was fat”? So gather ‘round children, it’s high time ye learn, Topz has the answers to choose whom to spurn.
Never Judge a Book by its Cover: Malcolm Gladwell, in his book Blink¸ describes the power and hold of snap-judgements. They are unavoidable, but we have to learn to curb the power of our at-times deceptive first impressions. With people, like choosing a book, it’s as the old adage goes, “read the summary on the back cover of the book to know what it’s about to be able to determine if you would be interested in the plot and themes.” Like the cover of a book, superficial qualities like clothing can make us misinterpret a person. Underneath their clothes, there’s an endless story: legs, thighs, breasts/pectorals, clavicles, waistline, an ass that may or may not be fat, and genitalia For example, yoga pants can make an apple-bottom out of apple sauce, large fuzzy sweaters can hide large fuzzy backsides, and Victoria’s secret? Padding. The most obvious technique to get the scoop on their truth is Facebook stalking. Nothing will sell you out like cellulite in beach pictures. A more advanced trick is to try and catch them in geometrically patterned clothing: plaid matrices accentuate curvature to help your brain model a more accurate 3D mesh to help deliberate if you would, in fact, tap dat. And of course, there’s the classic method of watching them undress from the big Oak tree in the backyard between the fence and tool shed, perching yourself by the Blue Jay nest … for example.
TNA: As important as it is to look past clothes, once you establish that the ass is fat, it’s important to make sure they dress fetch so ensure they drape themselves in respectable clothing brands such as TNA.
Judge a Person by the Company they Keep: When someone is trying to seduce you, they are constantly trying to deceive you. This is why it is good to get to know the people with whom they actively chose to surround themselves. The reason, of course, is that you can peer at their attractive peers. If you decide that they are not the alpha of their pack you betta believe that you can always upgrade. People always want what others have and hence there is nothing more attractive than someone’s friend’s partner. So don’t think of it as trying to date someone individually; think of it as shopping around for a potential harem. We’ve seen enough short films to know that best friendship means sharing everything. And take solace in knowing that the closer the friends, the more competitive and desperate to one-up each other they are.
Judge by Brains before Beauty: At a school like Waterloo you’re bound to find a plethora of potential partners that are tomorrow’s leaders, innovators and even Nobel laureates. Do not worry, though, there are still plenty of dumb people for you to date! You want to make sure that you select someone stupid enough to put up with you and not notice your constant attempts to sleep with their friends, siblings, landlords, parents, pets, etc. Nick Naylor once said that the beauty of argument is that if you argue correctly, you’re never wrong. We believe it’s correct to go for brainless beauties because they’ll always lose arguments and hence you’ll never be wrong. Infallibility is a real asset in a relationship. Some quick litmus tests to ensure that the object of your eye is reasonably dull include whether they know what a litmus test is, if they know more about Obama than any Canadian politician ever, if they know less amount Obama than they know about Obama’s twitter account, if they’re proud of finding Big Bang Theory funny, if they use internet memes in real life at all, if they’re still playing “The Game” (no, we don’t fucking care that you just “lost”), if they take this column seriously beyond an outlet for passive aggression, or if they decide to become the Editor in Chief of a paper that would actually publish this column.
You are What You Eat: Check their eating habits now, because that metabolism will slow down and you might have a Chubby Charlie or Hefty Helga on your hands, crippling your wavering wrists. Another trick is to look at their mother or father to see where they’ll be in a few years (or if the ass is fat where you’ll be in a few hours).
Organization is Your Friend: If at this point, you find that there are still numerous candidates whose asses are fat, you need to take it like an engineer and solve this problem algorithmically. Give your candidates a ranking from 1-9 and ask them to in turn rank you from 1-9. If they give you classic “who are you? I’m not giving you some number” politely remind them that if they wanted nothing to do with you, they should have realized that before agreeing to talk to you and getting to know what you’re like. Take the lowest sum of your two rankings and that person will be your mate. If you find that there is a tie, date them both and hope they don’t find out. If either of you find yourselves discontented during the course of your congress, you can always rely on CECS to help you out (sidebar: this is an auditory joke in a written format, so please read aloud “CECS” as an acronym and not initialism, and pretend that we didn’t have to explain this joke to you since that would be totally lame).
So now that you’ve learned to separate the wheat from the chaff, it won’t be long before you’re chafing and not wasting your precious time on riff-raff. Every day when you’re walking down the street, everybody that you meet deserves to be heavily scrutinized and rated. We hope that we’ve helped facilitate this process to make you and more efficient asshole.
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