Tis the season to be jolly! Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la. Topz is here to curb your folly! Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la. Don we now our gay apparel, Fa-la-la fa-la-la la-la-la. Dictating themes is Farzi’s peril. Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la. With Christmas just around the river bend, you must be wondering, “what ever will I get the various people in my life to compensate for a year of lazy friendship?” The answer, of course, is the gift of love. And how do we show our love? By spending money: after all the richer you are, the more love you have to give.
Money: A present is a way to show a person how much you know about them: but in doing so you rob them of their mystique. People want to be seen as mysterious and in buying them the perfect present you make them feel more transparent than your grandmother’s negligée. That’s why we recommend salvaging their grace by giving them literally the best gift of all: money. With money they can get whatever they want! This set even encompasses those fucking awesome granddad’s clothes from the thrift shop. Of course, if you really insist of forgoing cash, like an aunt or uncle afraid of your nephew or niece buying drugs, you can always make them feel translucent with a gift-card.
Coal: What if your beloved friends don’t deserve a gift? What if you are dissatisfied in their performance over the past year? Well, you certainly can’t mollycoddle them with undue presents. Being the good person you are, you want to help them be a better person, so help them realize what a disappointment they are in your eyes with a lump of black coal. This is especially effective with young children who would believe that Santa Claus doesn’t love them anymore, thus validating your own faltering fondness for the unlikeable child. If you want to be a little less harsh, you can always get them an iPad mini, to show that you care but just not to a full-sized degree.
Food and Water: Food and water is probably the best thing which any human being can receive. If the recipient should scoff at your offering you can point out their petty and bourgeoisie first world problems. Oh boo-hoo Honey Boo-boo: you have too much food and water. This is a bullet-proof argument as anyone struggling with a problem beyond the basest of Maslow’s hierarchy is nothing more than an asshole. Yes,this Christmas, remind your friends and family that anyone having trouble in school, or with sleeping, or are upset about missing an important event, that their problems are invalidated by people living in impoverished countries. KONY 2012: we’ll find a cure.
Silicon implants: With age, you begin to notice your friends’ and partners’ parts are faltering, making them no longer fun to play with. They’re lagging quests are starting to make you bored with them and you’re beginning to notice that you never really liked their personality, just their flashy equipment. Fear not, however, for there is a solution: this Christmas give the gift of an upgrade with silicon implants. Yes, with a little expenditure, you’ll be able to give them a good RAM module, upgrade that tight slot to be compatible with your Blu-ray, and a flash that will guarantee improved peaks. With all these upgrades they’ll be getting headshots faster than ever.
Drugs, sex and alcohol: Does this point really need to be expanded upon? It’s easy and always well-received.
Gym Membership: What better way to tell the people that you love that their fat is getting in the way of said love than by giving them the gift of a gym membership? It really is the best time of year to do this as a rejection of this present will only be an admission of their disgusting sloth and ironically-named love-handles. In the case of a loved one who is already hitting the gym but it’s all bulk and no cut: give them a chocolate bar (chubbies love those). However, the caveat is that it’s laced with a tiny symbiotic tapeworm: the worm gets a new home and your friend gets a dietary aid. It’s like the gift a personal trainer that is always with them. But what if the one you adore is a butterface? In this situation, we recommend getting them a lot of make-up. If you give it to them in a brown paper bag, it works double as providing a back-up solution to their terribly inconsiderate ugliness. You do it because you care … about how you look in public with them.
As an engineer, it’s your job to optimize every process and get the most out of every opportunity. The naïve might see Christmas as just an opportunity to show your love for those around you, but you engineers can understand the need to also give to yourselves. For those of you who don’t celebrate Christmas, eight lesser versions of these presents work just as well for Hanukkah and we don’t really understand how Kwanzaa works but it seems pretty cool.
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