In 1936, Dale Carnegie published his mega-bestseller “How to Win Friends and Influence People”. Since then, countless numbers of people have turned to Carnegie for help in improving their social skills and personal lives. However, being from the ancient time of 1936, that Carnegie melonhead only published his findings in books. And books are for nerds. Luckily for you, we dweebed it up this week and have brought back pearls of wisdom on how you, too, can transmogrify from a disgusting human caterpie to a beautiful social butterfree. Harden, you metapods, you; it’s time to evolve.
Cast the Net: First thing’s first: you have to meet people. But where the heck are they? This week, we tried going on safari to find homo sapiens (no hetero). We heard that all the hunks and ladies hang out at the clubs, so we checked out Beta and Rev Sunday morning, but it seems as though they’re no longer the cool spot to be. We tried to start our own club but then Ammar couldn’t eat bacon and it isn’t the same with just tomato and lettuce. We had once heard that having fun isn’t hard when you have library card, so we went to our local library to find some friends. The place was full of nerds! We found a section of actually useful books (with pictures in them) and our research came up with a pretty interesting factoid: everybody poops! So, we did the only rational thing and went to bathroom (where everybody is pooping!) and wrote our names, phone numbers and available times to have glorious fun!
Take a Genuine Interest in People and Talk About Those Interests: Carnegie understands that people love themselves, and the best way to get them to like you is for you to like them! Problem is, they aren’t your friend yet and so how are you supposed to know their interests? It’s a classic Catch-22: if you want to know their interests, you have to be their friend, but to be their friend you have to be discharged from the air force for insanity and the only way to prove you’re insane is to fly in the war! Solution: do your research using our S.T.A.L.K. method: Stalk Them All Like Kangammaroo. Then, the next time you see them you can show your genuine interest by talking about their recent trip to Cabo, or their sister’s recent abortion.
Smile and Listen Intently: According to Dale Carnegie, a smile says, “I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.” But this tidbit of truth has been known for a long time from Louis Armstrong to Ammar to Massari featuring Loon. Furthermore, Carnegie preaches that people love to talk about themselves, and that one should indulge this to win their favour, even when they ask you about yourself. Therefore, in order to win over your new friend be sure to smile very intently and remain silent, never breaking eye contact, eagerly waiting for them to speak. And remember, do not stop smiling; don’t be glum, Jeff Goldblum! Yes, your pearly white teeth and comforting silence will be the perfect response to every conversation from “My dog’s birthday is this weekend” to “My father just died” to “Who are you? Please leave me alone.”
Say their Name: Say their name, when no one is around you, say to them you love them, and their awesome name. Carnegie describes a person’s name as “to them the sweetest and most important sound in any language”, even sweeter than candy! Work their name into every sentence and polysyllabic word you can think of: “that shirt looks Terry-fic!”, “This coffee is too high of a temp-Ammar-ature”, or “I’m sorry your daughter has be kid-Jacob-napped”. Don’t stop there: whenever you pass them in the hallways whisper their name into their ear, carve it into your wrist, emblazon it on your shirt. Pretty soon you’ll have a new best friend with whom to have sleepovers and pillow-fights.
Make them Feel Important: Carnegie points out that people love to feel important, and who is a person to a mob? What’s a mob to Ammar? What’s Ammar to a king? What’s a king to god? What’s a god to non-believer? Yes, make them feel as self-important as an atheist on reddit making fun of his grandma’s latest status update! Worship the ground on which your soon-to-be friend walks. Offer sacrificial animals (if you kill their dog, this works double as grievance over which you can bond), kiss their hand, and cook them meals. And remember, do not skimp on these lavish approbations. For example, whip a feast hearty enough to octupley satisfy his hunger; fill eight yo.
Follow these tips and in no time you’ll go from being a nerd at the library to being a real hunk with lots of cool friends and a neat hairdo and no mean bullies making fun of you for having an accident in class when you fell asleep last Tuesday during NE344. Green sweaters are nice except when it’s too warm out because then it’s too hot to wear a sweater out, ya goof!
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