By now, we’re sure you’ve seen the new Avengers movie (and the Dark Knight Rises trailer!), or at least one of the lead-ups [Thor (that movie with Natalie Portman), Captain Amurrka, Hulk (the good one), Iron Man 1, Iron Man 2, Iron Lady, Batman, Batman, Batman Returns, Batman Forever, Batman & Robin, Batman Begins, The Dark Knight], and if you haven’t, leave home some time Patrick (Star, not Swayze (he’s dead))! If you’re anything like us, when you got home you started looking on Craigslist for hit-men {and/or prostitutes} to murder your parents as well as a nuclear testing facility around which to play. Luckily for you, our orphaned and nuclear-irradiated brains have prepared for you a list of short-cuts to feel like a superhero without any of the STIs or radiation-poisoning!
The Batman: Who doesn’t want to be the Batman? By night he fights crime and by day he manages a multi-billion dollar corporation, flies around in a private jet, attends the most elite of galas, and shares a private mansion with a young boy and his manservant. Yes, Batman has it all, and so can you! The critical element of the Bat is that he works under the shroud of darkness and mystery. Batman stalks his prey, hears what they say, learns their ways (even if they’re clay), never says nay, is sometimes a lil’ cray-cray, and makes them pay! For starters, you need to start spending a lot of time on the computer in your parents’ basement looking up information on persons of interest. Next, learn their schedule and do some reconnaissance by observing them from afar in bushes, trees, trashcans, hidden webcams, trenchcoats, et cetera. And don’t forget: Batman never let the police stop him so neither should you. Also, get a few billion dollars somehow or another; we’ll let you dot the Is and cross the Ts.
Iron Man: By stark contrast, you might be interested instead in following the path of a billionaire playboy and CEO with a vast knowledge of science as well as expertly engineered gadgets and weapons technology. You might be asking, how is it that you can be like Iron Man yourself? The answer is simple: alcoholism. Yes, try being perpetually buzzed and stopping yourself from tapping into your enginuity to build an awesome suit with whatever scrap is lying around! Also, get a few billion dollars somehow or another; we’ll let you dot the Is and cross the Ts.
Professor Xavier: Konvict, muzik. You see her (or him) winding and grinding up on that pole; you know she [or he] sees you looking at her {or him}, but does she already know? What wouldn’t you do to know? Yes, the ability to peer into their heads and interpret their electrical signals is a dream held by many and achieved by few who have nobly dedicated their gifts to TLC daytime programming. For the rest of us proles, however, there is another way to be like Professor X, Jean Grey, and Aquaman: a carefully perfected technique involving reading their diary, hacking their e-mail/Facebook and slipping them some truth serum (MDMA) and forget-me-nows (flunitrazepam).
Hulk: Who isn’t green with envy towards the Incredible Hulk? He’s strong, powerful, muscular, burly, brawny, beefy, deezed, jacked, and has a really hot cousin. It isn’t as impossible as you might think; in fact it’s as simple as two words: hard work (just kidding, they’re anabolic steroids!). Don’t waste your time on a strict dietary regiment, exercise schedule and self-discipline. Now you only have to do one: the self-discipline to take your roids (also, you should probably still work out). Pretty soon we can guarantee that people won’t like you when you’re angry … which will be often, because you’re taking anabolic steroids.
Mystique: The duplicitous shape-shifter has taken many forms: he came as a bull and scored with chicks; she fed a poison apple to the fairest of them all; he came from a lamp and did various impressions of pop-culture icons and other cultures which bordered on racist; it lived out its life in a daycare center breeding incessantly. We, however, believe that the best of them all was the one and only Mystique (also we wanted to find a popular superheroine that wasn’t a “girl”-sidekick or into bondage). While you may not be able to change your physical form, you can change your personality! We cannot stress enough the importance of this maxim: never be yourself! If you morph into who people want you to be then you’ll be way more popular and hence happy.
Fantastic Four: This one is kind of a long-shot. Somewhere in Waterloo you’d have to find three friends and form a group consisting of a nerdy smart guy that bends over backwards for people, someone who’s so shy that they seem to be invisible, a guy that’s really self-conscious about his looks, and an overconfident hotshot. Good luck with that one.
Cable: Have you ever noticed how professors give you fun and simple examples throughout the term and then when it comes time for the final, it’s in a different language? Well good luck: Cable is a telekinetic/pathic mutant with a quest to stop the rise of an ancient being known as Apocalypse from taking over the world. All you have to do is replicate Cable’s own life story. Cable in present time works with the X-men, which include Cyclops and Jean Grey, his parents … sort of. Jean Grey is not his mother, but rather a clone of Grey is/was/will be. Furthermore, Apocalypse infected him with a techno-organic virus that keep Cable’s telekinetic powers at bay. Also, for best results make sure to have an archenemy who’s a clone of yourself raised by your ancient world-conquering nemesis’s followers. Shouldn’t be too hard, maybe start with balancing your diet and developing a regular exercise routine.
Feeling super already? If so, you’re a turkey for reading this! You didn’t need our tips at all. Maybe the real superpower was inside you all along; maybe it was our love for you. In any case, once you acquire your superheroism be sure to never forget the immortal words of Uncle Ben: “our top-quality rice products offer endless variety for any occasion.”
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