Editor’s Note: This article is published in print as part of The Tin Soldier – a satirical and humorous insert published with the final issue of each university term. Articles that are part of The Tin Soldier are not meant to be taken literally or seriously.
Due to the high speed accelerations of molecules within the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), the earth’s rotational velocity is now accelerating. Initially, it was hard to measure this change, but advances in rotational measurement have allowed this acceleration to be quantified. The earth is currently accelerating by one minute per day for every month that the LHC is in operation. People have been asking themselves for the last few years why they never seem to have enough time in a day. This question can now be answered. But, this is not all bad. Since the earth is still orbiting the sun at the same speed, years will now have more days and months will eventually be able to be extended to include a constant number of days per month. Leap years can disappear with altogether. Summer days that are too hot will be over sooner and the sunrise will come faster on cold winter nights. It is time to celebrate! Why not build more accelerators and speed up the process?
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