Editor’s Note: This article is published in print as part of The Tin Soldier – a satirical and humorous insert published with the final issue of each university term. Articles that are part of The Tin Soldier are not meant to be taken literally or seriously.
Every day we seem to hear about new technological innovations that are bringing what used to be science fiction and fantasy to life. Scientists have been working on an ‘invisibility cloak’ like in Harry Potter or like the car in James Bond: Die Another Day. But the newest technology being revealed from industrial manufactures is an energy gun which can produce a pair of energy portals allowing matter to pass through one and appear instantly from the other.
Similar to the popular Portal game from Valve, the ‘weapon’ doesn’t have a directly military purpose but does present some very interesting possibilities. There are several theoretical problems that can now be tested. Is it really possible to fall forever? Are there certain materials or wall coverings that would prevent these energy portals from forming? Is there a practical use for a storage container with a heart on it offering companionship to wandering mortals? Who really knows, but there is a research team that wants to find out. Initial testing is starting on the practical uses of the portal technology and its effects on humans. To keep the testing impartial, a new learning computer program is being created to run the testing apparatus (this is another technology that games and movies have taught us is perfectly safe).
So if you are willing to waive your basic human rights for testing purposes (apparently there is some kind of cloning procedure going on as a separate experiment, but that’s just a rumour) you should submit an application. The company is even promising baked goods at the end of the experiment. How can you say no to that?
Another big item to be hitting the news has been a sudden rush of people engaging in spontaneous fights to the death in public places. These battles seem to be started when two people both have a Vita gaming system – perhaps a new kind of signal that they belong in this underground fight club? When survivors of the fights were interviewed, they said that playing video games had completely warped their entirely perception of reality to the point where they couldn’t separate the real world from a video game. Some of the victims of this trans-gaming-world have even claimed to see a health bar above their head and a timer counting down individual rounds. These hallucinations are most likely a result of the indoctrination process these fight club members are put through. Unfortunately, authorities have not been able to infiltrate this group as members keep saying they would be violating rule 1 and 2 if they spoke about it.
So the next time you see a matter transporting portal open in the wall next to you, or a spontaneous fight to the death using gravity defying jumps and energy projectiles, just remember… Maybe the world of games is just around the corner.
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