***There are a couple of “damn” in the third paragraph. Chris Letnick should be aware of this.***
Editor’s Note: This article is published in print as part of The Tin Soldier – a satirical and humorous insert published with the final issue of each university term. Articles that are part of The Tin Soldier are not meant to be taken literally or seriously.
The end of the Quantum Nano Center is near…or is it? Having nearly completed construction on the building which was originally scheduled to conclude in summer 2011, the university has been dealt a deadly blow. Due to climate change in the Waterloo area, local winds have been increasing at an infinitesimally small rate each year. For normal buildings the increase in force, around 0.003 more Newtons hitting buildings per wind gust is negligible. However, due to the quantum nature of procedures in the Nano building, the tremors caused by the added force are unacceptable. The tear down of the Quantum Nano Center will take place April 23rd shortly after students have left campus for the semester. Other building flaws are also being cited which necessitate the rebuilding of the center which initially cost $160 million.
Students returning to UW for the summer will get to watch as workers disassemble the foundation which suffered structural damage during the earthquake on June 23rd 2010. Several beams also ended up several nanometers too far apart which could cause vibrations that would be damaging to ongoing experiments. When asked if cost was an issue, a university spokesperson stated that “Deficiencies in the current building could cost much more than $160 million down the road. Really, we [the university] are just cutting our losses. Greater precision will be expected in the future.”
With only the Quantum Nano Center and the Health Services Building currently under construction, the amount of construction on campus is too damn low. The construction is also too damn concentrated in one part of campus. To rectify this situation reconstruction has been commissioned for the interior of DWE as well as the Village One residences. Recent studies have noted that detours due to construction increase the physical fitness of students and faculty substantially. So to decrease the ease of travel around campus, a significant amount of pavement has also been torn up. “We have become used to having loud sounds of construction near our classrooms. It’s difficult to get any work done when there are no trucks and jackhammers in use.”, an anonymous professor near DWE admitted. Because there are so many new shiny buildings on campus, including Environment 3, Math 3, Engineering 5, Engineering 6 and Engineering 7 (which was created by Nanotechnology and resides next to a blade of grass on the Engineering 6 lawn), UW admin have decided to tear up all the things to make them as new and shiny as the rest of campus. “Anyone can learn in a calm, uneventful environment. But It shows true skill and intelligence to learn in an environment that is noisy and chaotic. Waterloo students are the best out there, we just want to give them that much more preparation for the workplace.”
For the past decade, the construction on campus has served to discourage geese from complete domination of campus. Our new buildings are where we draw the line between students and geese. Now, as the geese are becoming increasingly ardent in their defenses against humans, an increase in construction is necessary to continue asserting our bipedal, opposable thumbed dominance over the feathered foul. The one thing that is certain is that, when this war is won, Waterloo grads visiting campus will be guaranteed not to recognize their surroundings. This will save them from their own horrible memories of undergrad years filled with impossible assignments and sleepless nights. It’s win-win situation. Continue rebuilding all the things!!!!!
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