With what will undoubtedly go down as one of Canada’s coldest and most bitter of winters, 2012 is off to a rocky start. Now we know you readers out there want to beat Old Man Winter with a sack of Russet potatoes, but the best way to combat her is with warm clothing. This has inspired the guide to top articles of clothing that can keep you warm this winter!
Pullovers: Pullovers are an effective type of sweater for keeping you warm. They are called pullovers because you pull them over you. I (Edward) have a blue pullover that I wear sometimes when it’s cold out, but not cold enough for a jacket. If it is even colder than jacket-only weather then I will wear my pullover under my jacket. If you wanted, you could call it a “pulloverunder.” But that would be unnecessarily verbose.
Hats: Hats keep your head warm. In America they call toques “beanies.” Beanie babies were a popular collectors’ item in the nineties. Sometimes hats have poof-balls or ear-flaps, but sometimes they don’t.
Jackets: Some people may say that jackets are old-fashioned.
Mittens: Mittens are like gloves except that the four fingers are melded into one. If you only had one enormous finger and one thumb on each hand then mittens would be gloves, but you probably don’t so they probably aren’t to you. You can wear mittens and pretend to be a seal or penguin, but that wouldn’t make much sense because a mittened arm does not resemble a flipper or wing.
Boots: Boots go on your feet. You can put them elsewhere but they wouldn’t fit as well. Boots can keep your feet dry and warm because snow is wet and cold. Sometimes when you wear boots outdoors, you have to wear indoor shoes when you are indoors. When the weather gets warmer indoor shoes just become shoes. In America, they wear shoes inside their own homes, except for Americans who don’t; they do not wear shoes inside their own homes.
Scarves: Scarves are pieces of fabric that you tie around your neck. There are different ways to tie a scarf. A scarf can be many different colours: black, grey, red, dark red, blue, green, yellow, orange, violet, purple, indigo, salmon, coral, hot pink, seafoam green, brown, shale, turquoise or mustard.
Zip-up Hoodies: Zip-up hoodies are like pullovers except that you zip them up and they have hoods. When you wear a zip-up hoodie there are three levels of warmth: no hoodie, zipped-down hoodie and zipped-up hoodie.
Cardigans: Cardigans can be worn by lots of people. If you put shoulder pads on your cardigans you can get tenure at a University. Cardigans have buttons.
Ski-Masks: Ski masks are worn when skiing and when robbing banks. It is ill-advised to perform both activities at once, even if wearing two ski-masks. This is why Swiss banks are so valued.
Beards: Beards are like organic clothing. Men, grow a beard and it will make your face warmer. Many girls can grow little beards too but do not like to be reminded of this fact.
And there you have it! Our splendiferously well-researched and thorough guide to clothes that will not only keep you warm, but also fashionable this year!
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