Drugs are pretty awful. In The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde, Dorian walks into the mystical wonderland that is the opium den and “looked round at the grotesque things that lay in such fantastic postures on the ragged mattresses. The twisted limbs, the gaping mouths, the staring lustreless eyes, fascinated him. He knew in what strange heavens they were suffering, and what dull hells were teaching them the secret of some new joy. They were better off than he was.” And if you think you can trust Oscar Wilde, keep in mind he once single-handedly fought off a group of innocent attackers at Oxford and decorated his room with sunflowers. And for what are poppy flowers used? So remember: Opium is terrible! This is why this week’s Topz is dedicated to our top new strategies for the drug industry for you entrepreneurs out there! And remember: The Iron Warrior does not advocate the use, sale and purchase of illegal drugs (using legal drugs in accordance with the package directions is at your discretion)!
Branding: According to a recent study by Sexist Assumptions, the overwhelming majority of heroin users are men. There is a huge, untapped market of potential female heroin users, but the question remains, how to reach them. The answer, is branding! Name new brands of heroin after famous heroines! Want to ride the underground railroad to funkytown? Try some Harriet Tubman heroin(e)! Joan of Arc heroin(e) will make you feel like you’re talking to God. Princess Diana heroin(e) will make you feel like a real Wonder Woman! Jane Eyre heroin(e) won’t even get you high; you’ll just be depressingly incapable of loosening ethical idealism. Again, we do not condone this behaviour, but if you were to try it out, it could be rather lucrative.
Culture Cultivation: People love drugs because drugs are “cool.” For this reason, you should keep drugs cool by keeping them illegal. “Now why should we lobby for our own product to be illegal?” you might ask. Answer: what’s cooler than increased danger, higher rates of death and infection, imprisonment with violent offenders, gang funding, and the risks of increased popo-prescence? Nothing! In fact, we suggest bringing back alcohol prohibition, along with the illegalization of cigarettes, painkillers, and hard candy. Whoop-whoop. It’s the sound of the police. Whoop-whoop. It’s the sound of a steady flow of reliable income, which is bad, and we do not condone it.
New Age Demographics: Old people love prescription drugs; true story. Getting high keeps them alive and fresh. Whether it’s a blue pill that makes your pep-pep able to give it to your me-ma, or shooting up insulin before they crash, old people love prescription drugs. Now why get a taste of that juicy action? No, we’re not talking about me-ma; we’re talking about OMCM (old money cash money)! Also, what about children? Is nobody thinking about the children? Children are the future … junkies littering the ghettos of tomorrow. Cigarette companies have already been targeting this market for decades. Make fun mascots like Cheech and Bong, Cracky McCrackpipe, and Needles Malloy! Also, hand out cool games like scratch-and-snort trading cards all around the playground. And remember kids, Cracky McCrackpipe always says “School is cool … for meeting people that will sell you drugs to get you high!” But Publishable Pete would like to remind you all that drugs are bad and so is targeting the elderly and youth from whom we can all learn and grow without the use of illicit drugs.
So remember, say no to drugs, even though these tips make selling drugs a great way to make money off of the decisions of free human beings. Drugs are bad.
Laszlogregovich
lol whats the point of this poorly written article? is it supposed to be humorous? political? Id say youve failed on both counts.
Now leave the drug users alone. Freedom ftw! and please get some people who speak english as a first language to write from now on, jeez…