Beer Buzz: Laker Lager – The Champagne of Beer

Welcome back readers, to the wonderful world of beer. This week we will be reviewing what we can truly say is the best beer we have ever tasted – Laker Lager. Actually, that would be an utter and complete lie. It is in fact the best drink (non-alcoholic included) we have ever had and ever will have. EVER. It’s name falls trippingly from the tongue – Lllllakker Laaaagggerr. So many L’s, so much alliteration. It is categorized as a discount beer, but don’t let this fool you! The story of Laker Lager is an enchanting tale of a diamond in the rough who falls in love with a beautiful princess and they – wait a second, that’s the plot of Aladdin…well it does have some of the same elements. For instance, it is in rough packaging (like a street rat), but has a heart of gold! Also, if you drink enough of it your dreams will come true and you will be in a happy, brightly coloured world, full of beautiful people where songs spontaneously erupt at the right moments. We can’t guarantee there will be a cute monkey in a hat, but maybe, just maybe, if you drink enough and believe with all your heart, your wish of having a monkey servant will come true.

Laker Lager is a Trappist beer which has been brewed by the Brick monks of Waterloo since the 18^th century. Its popularity skyrocketed in the last 100 years due to its proximity to Laurier High School, and the University of Waterloo. Unfortunately, students do not respect this fine beverage of high quality and use it for many highly competitive sports. They also spill it on many surfaces without care. For such an excellent beverage it is quite cost effective, and is produced in massive quantities.

It tastes best in a small volume glass at room temperature and we strongly advise decarbonising it in a big plastic tub (preferably in a sketchy garage, but a sketchy kitchen is also acceptable). To savour its delicate taste it must be drunk as fast as humanly possible while in a crouching position. It is crafted from the finest quality ingredients, plus one secret ingredient. The secret ingredient is rumoured to be the souls of ECE students, but we know for a fact that it is actually the crushed hopes and dreams of engineering frosh. It has huge, dense head and pours a magnificent amber colour. It smells of fresh cut grass, new parchment, toothpaste, and Ron Weasley’s hair. Its flavour is like a unicorn high-fiving a narwhal – absolutely sublime!

But truly, it tastes worse than someone peeing in our mouths after they’ve just won an asparagus-eating contest. Ew. And we always say Fear No Beer – but in this case you should steer clear!