Well, well, well, it’s that time again, my friends. It is now, as of Friday, July 1st, the month of July. And you know what that means. It is officially watermelon-consuming season. Because that’s a thing now.
While watermelons may be both delicious and refreshing, this is not something to be taken lightly. When eating watermelon, you must be sure to enjoy it safely and responsibly.
Given that watermelon is the fruit most suited for sharing (whereas pears are the fruit most suited to be eaten in solitary), it is essential that the well-being of those you are sharing the watermelon with be taken into account, whether it be on a hot date, a family picnic or a cult meeting.
First of all, it is very important not to feed anyone else watermelon. It is not sexy.
Another tip is to ensure that the watermelon is sliced well. This means straight, vertical cuts of appropriate thickness. The ideal thickness of a slice of watermelon is 1.75 inches, which optimizes handling and eatability.
Finally, the matter of what to do with the seeds should be considered. It is imperative that you do not swallow the seeds. Because, if you swallow a watermelon seed, a watermelon will grow in your belly, and this can be quite an uncomfortable experience.
But I digress.
I am frequently complimented on the state of the inside of my mouth. People say, “Brockgraeme, I can’t help but notice that your breath smells immaculate.” And what these people say is true. People are always right.
Now you might be asking, “How do I keep my mouth so tasty clean?” Well, there’s no simple answer to that question… except for this one.
Good oral hygiene.
Now the first step to keeping that mouth of yours clean and succulent is to make sure you go to the dentist regularly. I recommend doing this at least once a month.
Now, as important as the dentist may be in keeping those pearly whites shining bright, there are still lots of times when the dentist can’t go to work inside your mouth and you just might need to get some work done yourself.
This is where toothpaste comes into play. Between 2 and 27 times a day, you need to cover a brush with toothpaste and go to town on your cuspids. Brush each tooth in a circular motion for about 21.33426 seconds, or until it feels sparkly fresh. Once this is completed, rinse your mouth with pure deionized water for 30.28 seconds. Also, brushing your teeth feels so good.
Once this is complete, your mouth will be tastier than a mint from the bowl on the counter in the Orifice.
If you aren’t able to get a hold of toothpaste or a brushing implement, fear not! There is a simple solution. I call it “Brockgraeme’s Miracle Mouthwash Solution.” Simply take some good ol’ fashioned mouthwash (flavour and brand is irrelevant) and mix it with 1 part tequila or gin for every 6 parts mouthwash. This will make your breath fresh and loosen you up.
Doing these things can save you hours of embarrassment with regards to your breath and dental appearance. It is always a good idea to keep your breath fresh, and your teeth shining bright, because at the end of the day, you never know what could happen.
Sincerely, Brockgraeme Scottkopp
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