Aries: A shower of unexpected events will come your way. Bring an umbrella.
Taurus: Face your fears—it will provide an escape from your crippling boredom and make your life so much more interesting.
Gemini: As the sign of the twins (or the two-faced), you will meet your Doppelganger this month. For maximum success, try dressing, talking, and walking like everybody else.
Cancer: Discard your invisibility cloak and step out into the limelight. Even if you fail miserably, at least people will know who you are.
Leo: Your self-centered attitude is pissing people off. It is recommended that you switch to a pushover personality for the next few weeks.
Virgo: Change your Facebook Profile Picture to something more flattering. A lot of people will be creeping you this month.
Libra: Your eternal optimism will take a three-sixty after tonight. Never fear! Now you can join the rest of us.
Scorpio: A pet scorpion will increase the amount of harmony and cleanliness in your home, and restore balance to your life.
Sagittarius: Your in-laws will surprise you with a surprise visit. (If you don’t currently have any in-laws, you will get some soon.)
Capricorn: You will meet someone special at Cardboard Boat Racing. Look for someone who is dripping wet.
Aquarius: You need for freedom and creativity will cause you to cheat on a great many people and things. The sooner you warn your partners and professors, the sooner they will forgive you.
Pisces: Someone is thinking of you right now. For greatest happiness, you should think of this person too.