So it’s about time that I got the hell out of here. I only phrase it like that because I’m an old fart, and we old farts tend to get bitter and senile near the end. Before I go, I thought I’d enlighten you with a handful of delightful secrets and stories. Follow me through the creatively named stages of university.
Emerging from the vagina that is highschool
Man-oh-man, was I a shithead back then. Coming into frosh week I was more excited than when you realize you already paid last month’s rent. This was a place where all my weird habits and interests seemed to be what made me the coolest. I could flex my shit-eating grin and anyone and they’d embrace it and give me five dollars (not literally). Can you believe my frosh group’s mascot was a giant pink spaceship with beach-ball fuel tanks? (aka a giant dick) This life I chose seemed like a perfect match for my personality. The best part about all of this though is that I never stopped given’r. If people wanted to try to steal the bigass pink math tie, I was down. If people wanted to road trip to U of T and steal a hardhat as an offering to EDCOM, I was down like the double-down. I did what it took, downed red-bull until I pissed glowing liquid so I could stay up all night and meet new people and do crazy stuff with them. We actually had a plan in the works to use a potato cannon to shoot white paint filled potatoes at the math tie so it looked like it was covered in… you know. I have to give a mention to the orange bastard who encouraged me to do at least some of these crazy ass things… the one the only John Bagby. So what can we learn from all of this? Well, if you want to have fun in University, get a ginger friend. A really gingery one.
Growing some pubes and being beaten by nuns
Being wild and crazy throughout school is all well and good if you go to some Mickey Mouse University like Brock. UW finally hits you like a ton of feathers (bricks or feathers, it’s still a ton) and kicks your ass worse than nuns with big long wooden rulers. You’re thinking, man it is so sweet to be free of my parents, I can do whatever I want! I can bring people (one or multiple) home to my bed! I can eat awesome food all the time! I can be hung-over for class! I can poop in public! Then you realize… dammit, eating this shitty food has given me a belly, being hung-over for class is pretty much equivalent to not even going, and pooping in public isn’t really all it’s cracked up to be: pine needles do not make good toilet paper. So what’s the lesson here? Well in truth this place has separated the men from the boys and the women from the girls. You will be humbled by this experience, and that is a good thing.
You’ve finally learned to wear a suit
This stage in the game is when you have had your ass kicked enough that you’re running pretty efficiently, but you’re not tired yet. I was at this point once. UWAFTing, doing decently in school, courting the ladies, pranking the silly non UW engin00bs, and maybe even exercising regularly. You are a bit irritated by school, but you also find it pretty interesting because you’ve had a few co-op jobs that were actually useful. This part of life is kind of boring to talk about because everything seems to be good! Well, I guess I did get to go to a few conferences where I got a buttload of free booze and expensive shrimp… Anyway, you’ve also found a lot of the interesting places on campus. The environment cafe is a great place to study in the summer, stay away from the 10th floor men’s washrooms in DP, and third-floor DC on the other side of the bridge is a good place to get a blowie at night. It’s always good to get acclimatized to your environment *wink*. So, what’s the lesson you say? Cherish it. Keep the energy up. You’re a big man/woman on campus now. Do what you have to do to keep your curiosity up about your work. And, stay away from the couches in your fourth year room for obvious reasons.
Giving the finger to kids on the school bus
By this point you’ve started to get a bit more particular about things. You only listen to classical music and you’re always fucking cold. You get up at 5am and go straight to the country kitchen. Then you go to bed at 9pm after watching “murder she wrote” and “antiques roadshow”. More realistically, you have become a bit bitter with things you once loved. I certainly did. No fault of the things I’m bitter at, but sometimes you just get fulfillment out of different shit. I realized that there was a lot I was missing out on that was outside of my usual comfort zone. I started doing the most random things, but I was really happy that I did because they gave me a lot of new perspectives. So, what can we learn? I strongly suggest exploring the rest of campus in terms of social activities before you leave. If you don’t you’ll wish you had. There are so many interesting and amazing people to meet who are extremely talented and creative.
Death and cremation. Pour out a bit of whiskey for me, chug the rest and then violently puke
I didn’t really have much to write for this part, because I’m not quite there yet, so instead, a joke.
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I really should have mentioned this before,” said the man. “I’m actually a taxi driver and the fare back to town is $25.”
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