You know what time it is; it’s yours truly bringing back another issue of The Ambiguously Inebriated Duo (AID) just in time for finals. As always, we (Ace and Gary) save our most insightful and inspiring material for the end of each term. You know, the revolutionary shit, unheard of since the days of Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, or… uh… Karl Marx? Right… Well explaining the rationale for that last sentence might be difficult, perhaps it might even lead to a reprimand from EngSoc. But that’s what AID’s all about; defying the common trend and speaking about the what (drinks) we like, even if that leads to an awkward situation. On that subject, have you ever been met with an absolutely f**ked up situation, one that can only be consoled by a timely lobotomy, or perhaps more reasonably, an extremely stiff drink? No worries, we’ve all been there. If you chose the latter option (for the record, Ace evidently chose the former), we’ve got a few suggestions derived from meticulous research and exceptional experience. Therefore, this issue is henceforth dubbed as “Drinks for F**ked Up Occasions”. Best appreciate the wisdom, sucka!
Stuck with an Ex as your roommate
Damn, this is one terrible time. But a contract is binding, and your poor student asses can’t afford to pay two rooms worth of rent. So what to do when every interaction is like nails on a chalkboard? Whip up a few Alabama Slam’hers! The mutual euphoria from sipping on these zingers is sure to allow smooth sailing for at least a few hours. Who knows, if you’re lucky you might even get to partake in a session of risky, albeit very satisfying, hate sex. Tread with caution however, Gary’s last attempt resulted in some rather painful hate-jacking.
Ruining your Boss’s Car
Whew, you’ve really done it now. I suppose in retrospect, tailing a minivan to watch Spongebob was a bad idea. No worries though, we have a solution. Hurry home and mix a few Irish Car Bombs, then proceed to down them ASAP. Time is of the essence (the alcohol on your breath is important). Returning to the office (by taxi), repeat this very simple phrase, “My bad, I was hammed”. We can’t guarantee this will save your job (it probably sucked anyway), but trust us, the broken car will be the least of your worries as you spend the next year working out the terms of your DUI charge.
Losing your virginity (mutually)
OK, unless you fooled yourself into believing those bullshit Hollywood love stories, or you managed to instate a false memory as a defensive mechanism, this was/is going to be a pretty messed up time in your life. So, what could possibly suit this situation, as you both lay mutually unsatisfied and disgusted in those sticky, no-longer-white sheets? You got it, a Bloody Mary. Not only will this one intoxicate and eventually render those memories obsolete, the look and texture of this one will immediately push your gag reflex over the limit, effectively distracting you from the situation at hand as you make sweet love with a new partner: the toilet bowl.
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