The Secret Society of Waterloo Engineering Statisticians predicts that the failure rate of this term will be unusually high due to the July 27th release of Starcraft II. In fact, The Iron Warrior was able to obtain an insider copy of the top secret document recently released on the failure predictions this term. The outlooks are grim. It appears that by employing all of their mathematical knowledge and psychic powers, the SSWES placed the passing rate of engineering students at 35% this term.
Of course, this includes the regular drop outs, failing students, and World of Warcraft players. However, Starcraft II might just make this the highest failing term ever. It is predicted in the top secret report that over 9000 students are predicted to fail. Out of those students, approximately 50% will be students of Korean descent. Even those who look remotely Korean will be brought down in this curve by the sheer stress of random associations.
So what exactly did this report say? Well, this report was even able to breakdown the student failure rates by discipline. Software and computer engineering are expecting a failure rate of 120%. No, this was not a typo. Off-stream computer and software engineers will come back to campus in September to discover they have failed their previous term despite having passed already. Electrical engineers, unlike their comp eng brethrens, will be able to maintain a passing rate of 10%, so it’s another normal term for them.
Mechanical engineers will mostly pass by building catapults that launch massive bombs, blowing up their own computers. Management engineers optimized their Starcraft II time with studying time using linear optimization models, ending up spending all of their time maximizing efficiencies. Mechatronics students managed to all pass by sheer strength of will to beat others in class rankings.
The systems engineers will be happy to finally dedicate an exam period to something specific, the chemicals will play to drown in their sorrows of not having coop jobs, and the nanos will attempt to miniaturize the game into a nanotechnology stapler. The civils will attempt to build the greatest city in the game despite the fact that it’s not SimCity, and the enviros and geos are still questioning today what this Starcraft is.
All in all, the SSWES are rejoicing in the fact that with so many students failing out, the next year will be a very profitable year in tuition income. Maybe they can raise tuition some more to get extra profit. It’s a definite possibility.
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