Horrorscopes

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Posted on: October 27, 2019

ARIES (March 21 – April 19):

If you feel at the top of your game, beware of what’s around the corner. Not all motives are pure
and now is a time for serious reflection. Ask yourself: if I wasn’t where I am right now, would
they (trick or) treat me the same?

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20):

The beast of time is stalking you. Watch the clock, deadlines are approaching with very sharp
teeth and even sharper claws. The choice is up to you, and the seconds are tick tick ticking by.
All play and no work makes for a very tasty sacrifice.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20):

Today’s a great day for you to go out for a walk! Take a breather, get some fresh air, midterms are over (hopefully)! Take advantage of the fact that the geese aren’t angry at this time of the year, so you won’t get attacked by one if you walk past it. That being said, it is almost Halloween, so I wouldn’t be surprised if a ghoost (a goose ghost if you didn’t get that pun) decides to ominously start following you as you walk back home from class. Keep your eyes open.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22):

Look around, plan your route, and watch your step, as Schrödinger’s cat may cross your path.
All things are in superposition, and your horrendous fate has not yet been revealed. Yet it is certain that your future is entangled with doom.
However, if you take caution with garlic and some cheer with friends, the dangerouds ghouls will be chased away and good fortunes will come in the form of the superior M and Ms, chocolate, candy corn, rockets, Reese’s pieces, Smarties, Skittles, doughnuts, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie, butterscotch pudding and pumpkin spice coffees.
Best of luck!

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22):

Whether it’s a dream, a grade, or the very essence of you, soon something shall die in the lab of
WEEF. The odor will permeate all. This is a portentous time to pursue your dreams. Beware
Leo, lion of heart, your bravery is needed.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22):

A time of opportunity is quickly approaching, and there are slim pickings. Many will race to
capture the shiniest candy apple, so you must put a spin on all your accomplishments. If you do
not succeed, you may be stuck with a mouth full of wormy, rotten remains.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22):

A grave ailment will overtake you. The synapses of your brain will slow to the beat of the forgettery. It twists up your thoughts, your memories, your recollection. Despite all your effort, you will be unable to rouse yourself to meet the challenges you face unless you eat seventy-two pumpkin seed by midnight of the next Halloween. Three pieces of candy corn will work too.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21):

You’ll decide to watch an episode of goosebumps, not only because it’s a great goose pun that you just thought of, but also because it’s Halloween. After watching “Night of the Living Dummy”, you’ll turn around to find the cookie monster puppet you bought to practice your ventriloquism with staring back at you. With flaming red eyes, it will say “I WANT CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES!”, before going back to its inanimate form. What a terrifying experience…

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21):

You’ll suddenly decide to spontaneously go shopping and buy yourself a family size box of 50 assorted Halloween candy bars so you can eat them by yourself while binge watching “Stranger Things”. After finishing the entire box and 3 whole seasons of the show, you’ll realize that it was a bad idea to eat all 50 candy bars in one sitting. Oh well, YOLO.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19):

Even though you live off campus and aren’t in first year anymore, you’ll decide to host a Halloween door decorating contest on your apartment’s floor. A total of zero other people will show up, but you’ll decide to decorate your own door anyways since you already bought 3 packs of Halloween stickers. But as you reach into your drawer to retrieve these items, you’ll simply find a sticky black, ectoplasm-like slime. Looks like a sticker stealing ghost just robbed you of your $15 worth of Halloween stickers. Spooky.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18):

You’ll decide to really embrace the Halloween spirit and buy yourself a pumpkin to carve. However, you’ll have a hard time coming up with a good design, so you’ll decide to go with the classic Jack Skellington look from “The Nightmare Before Christmas”. After finally finishing your masterpiece after 5 hours of painstaking carving, you’ll step back and realize that it isn’t really a masterpiece after all, but you’ll put it outside your door anyways just to show that you tried.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20):

During a get together with your friends over lunch after bombing your calculus midterm, you’ll decide to crack a funny Halloween joke to lighten the atmosphere: “What did the father ghost say to his son? ‘Spook only when you are spooken to!’” Your friends will attempt to fake a laugh to make you feel better about yourself before you realize that the joke was a little lame, and that the calculus midterm is going to haunt you for the rest of your life. Good luck on the final!

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