No One Will Read This Anyway

Editor -
Posted on: November 22, 2016

*** The Tin Soldier is intended to be a humorous and entertaining look at issues and events at the University of Waterloo. As such articles should not be taken to represent real events or opinions, and they should not be associated with the University of Waterloo staff or administration in any way. Any similarities to real world events, people or corporations is purely coincidental – or non-coincidental but meant in an entirely joking manner.***

SO…. this is the part where I’m supposed to be profound for 1500 words. You got any idea how hard that is? I don’t have time for all this thinking and shit. Sure, it seems easy when you get a thought that seems super promising, and go on a rant until someone makes you stop because it’s 2 AM and you’ve had a bit too much. But when you actually sit down and have a piece of paper or a Google, it’s a bloody pain. Why do you kids these days even read this, anyway? Go read a proper book or something. Why are you getting advice from some random 4th year just because it’s written in a newspaper?

Fine, subby’s getting on my case saying I have to write something. As if you young people even have time for advice. Back in my day I would soak it up like a sponge. I caught every ducky the good Dean herself (All Hail!) threw my way. But nobody has time for that anymore. It’s all reddit this, youtube that. What is a reddit anyway? Is that where all these frogs are coming from?

I’ll have you know we work hard to get this paper out, and it doesn’t happen any faster because we have to write a whole load of nonsense. If I had my way, we wouldn’t have to write anything, the paper would be out that much faster, it would be a lot easier to read, there would be more pictures… you get the idea. But no, we just slave, slave, slave, and try to get some semi-decent stuff out for your entertainment. As if you appreciate it!

Bah, I don’t know why I’m even trying. Go look at a meme or something, that’s all you people care about. That’s what’s wrong with the world these days – kids repeating things and thinking it makes them clever. I’ll have you know, I never repeat myself! Never! Never! It’s 1500 words of unique content every time, and everyone knows you kids don’t have an attention span of more than 10. Would you like it better if I spelled everything wrong? Is that how kewl kids do it? I shudder to think of the day when the Tin Soldier drops its standards of grammar and spelling to appeal to you gang of overgrown babies. How did you even pass kindergarten, talking in acronyms the whole time?

Too lazy to even write the whole word…shameful. I’ve had it with all of you, wasting my time going on about how to do things when no one reads or does anything. I’m out!

I’ll take my freedom now. I’m done with this whole “EIC” thing. What a thankless job! It’s like herding cats while simultaneously charming a tone-deaf snake. While an actually deaf snake sits by and gripes. If you can’t appreciate me, I’ll show you.

Write your own editorials, in acronyms if you want. See if anyone ever reads that! Not even pictures of frogs will liven up a wasteland of random capital letters. If you take my advice, and you never will, keep up these literary standards that have served the Tin Soldier for so long. But what do I know? I’m just some cranky old fourth year who is too busy with her FYDP to write a proper editorial. We’re all going to the dogs together, my friends.