CPH to Install New Bathrooms because Lineup for Morning Coffee Shits Too Long

- 3Q Slartibartfast Fjords
Posted on: March 31, 2016

*** The Tin Soldier is intended to be a humorous and entertaining look at issues and events at the University of Waterloo. As such articles should not be taken to represent real events or opinions, and they should not be associated with the University of Waterloo staff or administration in any way. Any similarities to real world events, people or corporations is purely coincidental – or non-coincidental but meant in an entirely joking manner.***

Due to the numerous complaints coming from professors and lecturers, students will no longer have to queue for hours for the daily ritual of caffeine-induced defecation. Talking to various complainants, it was found that students and staff alike have been missing entire classes waiting in line to relieve themselves of the uncomfortable pressure caused by their coffee-marinated bowels.

In the words of the ME department’s VroomVroomCars TA, Jacob D. Tootoo, “I waited for literally an entire day one time. Missed the tutorial I was supposed to teach, nearly shat meself, but I met my now-husband in that queue so I guess not all was lost.” Vendors and services have taken advantage of the long lines snaking around the building, mimicking the long brown anacondas waiting to be deposited by the queueing masses. A small wedding officiator’s office hidden behind a corner served as the location of Tootoo’s wedding, 30 ft further down the line from the spot he and his new beau struck up a conversation, as well as a flower shop, adult fun store, and wholesale shoe outlet.

Now, some of our readership has been wondering what exactly causes this urgent intestinal pressure, and they are in luck, because we have contacted the leading researcher in the field of proctology to enlighten you! What Dr. P. Suup stated was that coffee is actually a by-product of cocaine (also known as coca,) production, and the energy you feel is a result of trace amounts of coca left in the coffee. Incidentally, this is also where the nomenclature of ‘kaka’ is derived from. The liver, being the excellent filter that it is, detects this trace coca and punishes you by assaulting your bowels, forcing the muscles to contract like a fecal hydraulic-pump.

Space will be made for these new toilets by opening up small rifts in the spacetime continuum in the walls of classrooms, avoiding bearing walls, studs, and other magnetic items. These will allow students to travel to an undisclosed location and disappear mysteriously, never to be seen again, and then return to their studies in a timely manner.


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