When researching for this article, we read the philosophies of famous economist Adam Smith. In his eponymous work, “The Wealth of Nations”, he wrote “I get money; I get paper; I get girls of different flavours. I buy Gucci; I buy Prada; I spend dolla after dolla.” This was the unquestioned economic mantra for decades until Karl Marx radically suggested in 1848 that “If I want a manifesto I got my own; even if you were broke my love don’t cost a thing”. With all due respect to Comrade Marx, we here at TOPZ believe that cash rules everything around us. So, in light of this industrious disposition, we’ve compiled a list of the top ways to make money. Because after all, while bullshit walks, money will allow you buy things which you determine is of value.
Make Short-Films
With the age of the internet, independent artists have more prominence and a shot at fame-and-fortune than ever before. It isn’t surprising that the market has been flooded with people clamouring for this money shot, so you, from your Point-of-View, might be asking, “How can I get discovered?” The key is to create from what you know: start by just filming the beauty in everyday occurrences. Document visits from delivery-boys, plumbers, masseuses, and Japanese octopi. Don’t be afraid to hop on buses of potential opportunity until you find yourself on a big-wig’s casting couch.
Be a D-bag
Yes, celebrity is a great way to make money but what if you don’t have the artistic prowess to be discovered in film? What if you don’t have any discernible talent at all? That’s okay, you can always fall back on what comes natural to humans from every walk of life: act like a total tool. Now, being a standard jerk won’t get you far. Being a committed asshole can take you places in the business world. But to really make it big for no reason at all, you have to be an absolutely horrible human being with no real decency, such that viewers can feel better about their own shortcomings by saying, “well at least I’m no Snookie!” The situation may seem rough, but hey at least you’re rich for doing something that others don’t do because they have a ridiculous notion of self-respect.
Cash for Gold
While researching late-night television, we happened upon an intriguing economist who has earned the highly esteemed ranking of “Cash Man”. From what we understand, yeah, he’s the cash man: he’ll give you money for your gold! Of course, the question arises of where to get gold. Guess what, computers have gold in them! Just open up your computer and take out the gold (don’t worry, it’s not in the keyboard or screen which are the only parts you use anyway) to sell for money! You can also just go to the computer shop and buy more computers: they all have gold in them! Apparently IBM stands for “I Bleed Money”. Au yeah!
Lottery
Were you all aware that there are people who will give out millions of dollars if you get the correct $5 ticket? Ridiculous, right?! But it’s true. The catch is that only one ticket out of many sold will award the winner with the big bucks. But go-fish MIT, uWaterloo has a new gambling strategy to break the system: double your chances by buying TWO tickets.
Bend the Law
Now, we would like to clarify that illegal things are bad. But, theoretically, if a bad apple wanted to make bad money, this is how they might do it. The black market may seem like a shady endeavour, but some argue that it is the inevitable consequence of a fundamentally flawed system waging an unwinnable war. Legalization would not be without consequence, but perhaps it is the only route to take. But until then, there is money to made, and movies to pirate. Yes, by pirating your movies online you will save a ton at the box-office and Blockbuster Video.
Pirating
Whether online or offshore, pirating is a very lucrative endeavour. Shiver your timbers, and don your eye-patch, peg-leg and crippled Somali economy, the Dread Pirate Roberts is leaving port and there’s room for one more buccaneer on his ragtag crew! Do you yearn to earn the fear of lords and lady preachers? Do you wish to descend upon the earth from the skies? To command the very souls of unbelievers? To make ends-meet in a civil-war torn coastal wasteland? Then, challenge the mighty titan and his rebel-groups and set sail on the seven seas of Rhye!
Save Africa
There are those who take exception to plundering and pillaging; some people feel the noble call of social responsibility. It turns out that political turmoil in Nigeria has put many princes in the Nigerian royal family in serious financial jeopardy. Presumably due to our increasing journalistic clout, we at TOPZ have been personally contacted by a Dr. Clement Okon, on behalf on the monarchy, who outlined a very perilous plight indeed. The reason we’re discussing this here, though, is that, in return for assistance, they will offer us over a million dollars of the fortune we’re protecting! They were more than willing to compensate additional people when we said we could round up support, which is where the opportunity comes in. We’re launching a huge Facebook campaign to save Nigeria. There’s going to be a YouTube video, and stickers and posters and lots of status updates! Nigeria 2012!
Well, well, J.D. Rockefeller, stick to our foolproof guide and you’ll be rolling in the Robert Bordens in no time. But lastly, as a word of advice: do not go money diving à la Scrooge McDuck: money is filthy and you would in all likelihood contract some kind of disease. Don’t hesitate, however, to wear a top hat and no pants. It feels good.
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