Suez Canal in Crisis

Tipsy

March 32nd by Your drunk aunt

Silcon Valley 3.0

April 2nd by Melon Musk

Cali or bust may soon become Tex or bust as Austin’s Silicon Hills starts to inherit the Slicon Valley transplants. Austin, Texas can be a thriving new home for tech start-ups and more. However, here at The Tin Solider, we are never on the next thing –mostly because our publication schedule is so long. We are always on the next next thing. We are proud to announce Silcon Valley 3.0: Flin Flon, Manitoba.

Flin Flon is similar to Silicon Valley in many ways. It’s named after a book character (Josiah Fintabbetey Flonatin from The Sunless City). The valley has it’s own suburb named after a city: Tarzana, California. Therefore, Flin Flon is definitely qualified to be the new new Silcon Valley.

When I think of a beautiful city to move a tech start-up, I’m reminded of warm summers, fluctuating temperatures, and freezing cold winters. Flin Flon is home to mines but with the 777 mine subject to closure in 2022, Flin Flon is seeking a way to appeal to new entrepreneurs.

Flin Flon has beautiful scenic nature, and the very talented Flin Flon Community Choir. It also has a two-for-one province special. Flin Flon belongs to both Manitoba and Saskatchewan. Flin Flon also has the second most amount of free events in the country after Winnipeg. This is perfect for the young software developer who wants to unwind after a long day of work.

Flin Flon is no stranger to text. Dr. Frank Gunston developed the world’s first artificial knee in the 1960s. So be like Dr. Gunston and innovate in Flin Flon.

Canada's Worst Exports

April 9, 2021 by A Grumpy Bottle of Maple Syrup

It’s April 2021! And you know what that means? Yep, the centennial Worst Canadian Export Awards are finally going to be announced! After one hundred years of careful consideration, the judges and/or their surviving heirs are soon to announce their pick for Worst Canadian Export 1921-2021. Here are the runners up.

Garbage Bags

Garbage bags are literally trash. They are total rubbish. I mean, seriously, they stink. In fact at least a few of them are full of dog****.

Really, there are only two situations when garbage bags are pleasant to be around. They’re fine, if unremarkable, when entirely empty. And they can be used to hold things that aren’t garbage. Those are trick answers though, because a garbage bag without garbage is just a bag. And we had perfectly good bags before and after garbage bags came along!

Garbage bags were invented by Canadians Harry Wasylyk, Larry Hansen and Frank Plomp in 1950. According to CBC Television the garbage bag is one of the top 50 Canadian inventions, and for a good reason: you’d have to be really smart to invent garbage bags.

However that doesn’t change the fact that nobody actually wants to receive your garbage bags, in fact we have to pay people to pick them up and throw them away. They are simultaneously a clever invention and a terrible thing to find stuck to your ceiling.

Smug Comments About How Terrible America Is

Smug comments about how terrible America is (SCAHTAI) have existed since the so-called land of the free became independent. And in hindsight, why did they bother? Ask yourself, was the cheaper tea really worth it? Really? Canada is still run by the British monarchy, and everyone knows that Canada has absolutely none of the problems that America has. Canada’s military, police forces, economy, healthcare, environment, infrastructure, race relations and human rights are flawless. Don’t believe me? Just ask any Redditor.

It’s definitely not getting repetitive. It isn’t a complex or anything. Really, everything is fine. Absolutely not a smokescreen that makes people forget about problems in thei- MEDICARE TRUMP IMPEACHMENT QANON OBAMA CLINTON BIDEN SANDERS GEORGIA VOTING DRONES SURVELLIANCE GITMO BIG OIL BIG TECH BIG AUTO GUNS IMMIGRATION FAKE NEWS HOLLYWOOD WALL STREET

PHP

PHP: Hypertext Processor (PHP) is a programming language developed in the 1990’s by a Canadian named Rasmus Lerdorf. 10 minutes into a 2003 interview, Lerdorf humbly admitted that he had “absolutely no idea how to write a programming language.” All he wanted was a way to avoid writing the same server-side C code again and again, so he kept adding features to his HTML templating software until it was an entire programming language.

PHP features a number of truly unique design decisions, such as including 12 sort functions in the standard library, putting the arguments to mktime in apparently random order, and claiming that NULL < -1 is true. In fact, PHP has been called a fractal of bad design so it’s a good thing it’s only used on obscure websites like Facebook and Wikipedia. Oh there’s also this system called WordPress used on a tiny minority of websites, just about 40%.

Why Engineering Students are Better Than Other UW Students

April 1st by Mit Stanfordson

Here are some reasons as to why engineering students are better than all other students at Waterloo.

WARNING: This is for satirical purposes. Everyone at Waterloo is awesome. This is just for fun.

1. Engineering has the best department colour

In terms of department colours, engineering having purple as a department colour shows that engineering dominates every other program. Purple is often associated with royalty, wealth, and ambition, proving engineering students at Waterloo are the kings and queens on campus and are more ambitious than others. Also, legendary athletes such as Kobe Bryant and LeBron James have worn purple jerseys and have solidified themselves as champions in the sports world.

Meanwhile, look at other department colours.

The blue in the science department? That just shows how sad science students are since they have no chemistry with each other.

The green in the environment department? Let’s be honest. I think a lot of people know why the environment department is really represented by green. Long story short, no one’s ever rooting for the Green Party.

Pink and mathematics? Not really seeing the love in crunching numbers all day.

And don’t get me started on computer science. The red colour only represents when they are triggered or ticked off if their code malfunctions or is not running as planned.

As for arts and applied health sciences, I have no real reason as to why orange and teal (respectively) are their department colours. I guess they needed some other colours to make them stand out from the other departments.

2. Waterloo = Engineering

Let’s be honest. When you think of Waterloo, you think of engineering and primarily engineering. The program is one of the best in the country if not the world. Admission averages to get accepted into Waterloo engineering are higher, and thus indicates Waterloo engineers are superior to their peers.

Mike Lazaridis did electrical engineering at the University of Waterloo. You know, the guy who created the original IPhone before the IPhone, the Blackberry. Engineering students build not only geniuses, but also legends like Lazaridis. One can make the argument that without Lazaridis, Steve Jobs and Apple probably would have not been inspired to create the IPhone in the first place. That’s right. Using “obvious” logic, that would mean Waterloo engineering led to the creation of Apple products such as the IPhone. You’re welcome.

Now some people may say computer science is also essential at UW, but without computers, computer science is irrelevant. I mean, you don’t hear people speaking C++ to each other.

Engineers build computers which allows computer science students to code. You’re welcome, CS Department.

3. Uses Their Resources Wisely

In some ways, engineering students are really being environmentally-friendly. For instance, due to their constant studying, engineering students aren’t taking showers, allowing for less water to be wasted. They are also not wasting their time with going to parties or going on dates. That’s not in their dictionary. They are more wiser with their time, whether that’s studying or losing their mind by themselves without disturbing anyone else.