Where's the new Crazy Frog album?
The world was in a dark, dark place in April of 2020. The planet was shut down due to COVID-19, humanitarian crises abounded around the world, Australia was recovering from record-setting bushfires, and, tragically, some billionaires’ net worth even dropped by as much as 1%. The world was in need of a saviour when, like a phoenix rising from the ashes—literal and figurative—of society, a hero promised to arise.
This hero was not any politician, masked superhero or god. Nay, this messiah was not even a man nor woman. It was a frog: Crazy Frog.
Crazy Frog was originally created by Swedish playwright Erik Wernquist in 2003, though its biological parents are believed to be God and the virgin Mary. Wernquist later went on to resent his creation, stating: “I will never again reach such heights in my life. My purpose has been fulfilled.” The Frog later asked Erik to make a female frog as a partner for Him, and when His creator refused, the terrible beast cursed Wernquist and swore that He would have His revenge. Two months later, Crazy Frog murdered the playwright’s fiancée on the eve of their marriage before running away and sequestering Himself in northern Russia for two years. Reached for comment, Wernquist said the following: “Oh, how my hubris hath cursed me! What a fool I was to play God! Torn by the bitterest remorse, where can I find peace but in death?”
During His two years of isolation in Siberia, Crazy Frog turned to music, perfecting the Eurodance style by making fun, energetic covers of well-known songs such as Whoomp! (There It Is) by MC Hammer and I Like to Move It by the iconic group Reel 2 Real. There have been rumours that Crazy Frog worked 23 hours a day during this time, taking breaks only to go out and catch crazy flies for food. Kanye West briefly flew up to the Amazing Amphibian’s Siberian studio to feature on some songs, but the pair stopped working together after a bitter argument over the production on 1001 Nights ended in Crazy Frog using is 20-foot tongue to hit Kanye in the face and the rapper leaving the remote hideout. West later regretted the fallout, and the song Big Brother on his 2005 album Graduation is about the Frog.
In 2005, the Frog emerged from hiding and released unto the world Crazy Frog presents Crazy Hits, resulting in unanimous acclaim from consumers and critics alike. In fact, Pitchfork gave the album a 10 and demoted all other 10’s to 7’s, stating that “It would be an insult to this masterpiece for any other album to be within the same rating range as it, for the sheer brilliance on display here is on a level never seen before, and transcends music to become something truly holy and divine.” Interestingly, there were no deaths in the whole world on the day the album dropped, and several people reported seeing rain stop in an instant and be replaced by beautiful rainbows. Then-president of the United States George W. Bush offered the position to Crazy Frog, but the four-legged pop star declined, stating that He wanted to focus on His music career. He was later knighted by the Queen of England and canonized by the pope for His heroic actions.
Crazy Hits went on to see unprecedented success, going 100 times platinum in the USA with many people buying up to 50 copies for themselves. It is estimated that 200 people around the world died as a result of fights over limited quantities of physical copies, and the album’s crown hit, Axel F, could be heard consistently over loudspeakers in every public area across North America and Europe for over 5 months.
Despite having already surpassed Rockstar status and become a deity, Crazy Frog went back to work on a follow-up record, released in 2006 and aptly titled Crazy Frog presents More Crazy Hits. The reception to this album was similar to that of His first album. The lead single, a cover of Queen’s We Are the Champions which members of the band later went on to say was infinitely better than the original version, made all who heard it spontaneously burst into euphoric tears followed by a kind of omniscient state of consciousness and understanding the second it ended. Crazy Frog would go on to release one more album, titled Everybody Dance Now, in 2009 before taking a break from music to try finding a cure for cancer.
And lo for eleven years, Crazy Frog was not seen or heard from, and the world went downhill accordingly. Many scientists have proposed that the funky four-legged friend is the glue which holds our world together, and His absence has been dearly felt. That is why it was such shocking, incredible, world-shattering news when, on April 22nd, 2020, Crazy Frog took to Twitter to announce that another album was on the way.
World health data shows that there were no new COVID-19 cases on that day, and the world shone anew with a radiance that it had lacked since Crazy Frog had gone into hiding in 2009. Astronomers reported seeing a new star that night, brighter than any which had been observed previously. They named it Ring-ding-ding-69 in honour of the new saviour. Mere minutes after being posted, the Tweet from Crazy Frog had been liked 500 million times.
Thus began the waiting game. A date had not been given for the release, but it was promised for 2020. Every single day, I ran out of bed to my laptop to check on Spotify if the album had been released, and every single day I sobbed violently, sometimes for hours or even days on end, when I saw that nothing had been released. I invested thousands, nay, millions, of dollars into Crazy Frog merchandise to prepare for the release. From the 22nd onward, every major press conference began with the announcement that the album had not yet dropped, but that they remained hopeful it would do so some time in the near future. No one could have imagined that a figure so divine could be capable of a betrayal so terrible.
Foolishly, we let our hope grow every day, convinced that THIS would be the day that we all got to listen to the newest masterpiece from the King of Pop. But it never was the day. Finally, the calendar turned to December, and the days began going by in the last month of the year. Hopes of a Christmas release were dashed when the radio silence of Crazy Frog continued, leading many to call this the worst Christmas ever. Our saviour had not come.
Finally, it came down to the 31st of December, 2020. None celebrated the end of the year. Rather, all watched the clock with bated breath as the seconds ticked away. Midnight came not with its usual exaltation but rather with a realization: we had been lied to. The year was 2021 and there was no new Crazy Frog album. The turn of the year brought with it immediate torrential rain as angels wept up in the heavens, lamenting this terrible fate. Crazy Frog, announcing that album in April, had not been Christ but rather Judah, whispering empty, treasonous words of love into all our hears as he had done to Christ on the day of the Last Dinner.
And now here we are, another four months later, the world as bleak as ever, still without the new Crazy Frog album, resigned to a hellish life devoid of funky new Eurodance bangers from the greatest artist of all-time. When asked if he knew anything of Crazy Frog’s current whereabouts or endeavours, His guilt-ridden creator Erik Wernquist said the following: “This is all some big game we’re playing, and He is the thing pulling all the strings. I have learned that trying to play as God leads only to suffering so immense that I could drown in it.” When asked what he would do now, Wernquist looked contemplatively out the window, shook his head slightly and whispered that he did not know.
Crazy Frog may well be a god, but He is a cruel and unloving one who exists only to toy with us for His own pleasure. We are the fools in His court, and He has made us do all kinds of tricks for His amusement. Will we learn? Never. How could we? Even the strongest wills fold immediately when faced with His supremely groovy beats. Life without Crazy Frog is a fate worse than death, and we will never again hear the tender bing-bing-dem-bing-ding of His voice ever again. We have been abandoned, betrayed, left to die. It’s over.