Total Weight: 230lbs
Maximum Ground Speed: 6km/hr
Maximum Altitude: 15ft
Wingspan: 5ft
Welcome to another exciting edition of Big Things with Will Zochodne. Will has chosen to take a well-deserved break of studying big things to stare at smaller things for a while, and allowed two not so big people: Kal Sobel and Yasser Al-Khder, to take over his column. While we were researching our column, we discovered that by observing such magnificently big things, one is struck with the awesome power of engineering. How could something so glorious be created by man? The answer, my dear readers, lies in science. Today, we take a look at another wonder of engineering: Engineeringus Maximus Systemus, or the rare Giant Systems Engineer.
Born Owen Jesus Coutts, this engineering marvel came into the world in a small hospital in the far off land of Seattle already a champion, having won the world record for world’s tallest newborn at four foot, seven and a half inches. According to legend, his middle name came about because his father said that he will use whatever his wife’s first words were when she saw her newborn son as his middle name. This was, however, only the beginning of this engineering legend’s winning streak.
In grade school, Owen earned himself his next title, setting the world record for most pencils broken in 24 hours. During one interview, he was quoted saying “I don’t know HOW I did it. Maybe they should just start making pencils to accommodate people like me? I mean seriously, how am I supposed to hold something that small?!” before his desk shattered out from underneath him, unable to hold his massive size. This ill-fated interview earned him the nickname “Owen the desk-troyer” which haunts him to this very day.
Owen began his illustrious career as a professional tree impersonator early in his high school career. “It happened by accident, really.” He is quoted as saying, “one day, I had just finished eating an entire burger shop and I stopped in a nearby park to rest. I was staring off into space for a moment (which I can do, as my head is nearly above the clouds), when I felt something wet on my leg. I looked down to see a dog, relieving himself on my pant leg. Boy, the look on that dog’s face when I nudged him with my foot, hoooo boy, that’s not something you forget in your life.” He spent most of his adolescent years in obscurity, taking on small parts in movies where there wasn’t enough natural trees on set, but his big break came in 1997 when he was cast alongside Leonardo DiCaprio in the movie “Titanic” to play the role of both the Titanic and the iceberg. About his roles, Owen says: “It was a really tough time, playing both the ship AND the iceberg. I had to keep laying down to be the boat, and then standing up again to be the iceberg….man, it was exhausting. Do you have any idea how long it takes me to stand up to my full height? A DAY. A full DAY. “
Unfortunately, this victory was very short lived, as two years later Owen would find himself on the run from the law under charges of criminal negligence causing bodily harm, when he accidentally tripped during a night of drinking and partying and knocked over the Sears tower. Now a fugitive, Owen spent several years hiding from the law by replacing the Washington monument with himself until he was finally discovered by a night security guard when he sneezed, clearing the entire reflecting pool. Owen fled into Canada, assuming the new identity Shorty Reallytall and taking a day job working on an offshore oil rig platform, where he was required to spin in a circle really fast until he struck oil.
Owen gained interest in the field of engineering during his next job, after he was let go by the oil company for spinning too fast and creating a hurricane (aptly named Hurricane Owen), when he took employment with the Canadian Space Agency. There, his job was to throw space shuttles into low orbit, and to assist with docking with the space station by gently placing the shuttles into the dock. “I kept seeing the various Engineerings in the Shuttles, and I would always think to myself: ‘What if I could do Engineerings too?’” He applied to several schools of Engineering, but ended up taking a position at Waterloo as it was the only university with ceilings tall enough to accommodate him.
Owen remains at the University of Waterloo to this day. As a fun fact about Owen’s career at UW, the recent “renovations” taking place in the CPH foyer to remove the asbestos were actually to repair the damage caused by Owen reenacting the song “Dynamite” by Taio Cruz. Upon “putting his hands up in the air sometimes”, Owen completely destroyed the ceiling and lighting of CPH. Once he realized what he had done, he ran into POETS to report the damage, only he literally RAN INTO POETS. POETS was completely destroyed. Out of guilt for his destruction, Owen is gifting a sink to POETS lounge.
Next week, we study another engineering marvel: The world’s largest divide by zero error. Could it be in Math 115? Find out next time, on Big Things With Will Zochodne!
Photo Captions:
Owen relaxes after a hard day of working as an oil rig platform.
Owen rejoices after finding a new hiding spot as a fugitive
Owen helps shape the CN tower as part of his co-op position in 1A
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